Me 'n My Laptop

A call-out for X, Y and Z. I think. Maybe. Yes, definitely.

Just a heads up - Google  in "Moody Monthlies".  Heh

So.  Being fifty and all, (shut up Linda), and the fact that my period hasn't showed up for months, I was semi-bragging to the old people at the card table that evidently I had the Easiest Menopause of the World, since I had no symptoms.  I experienced 2 hot flashes YEARS ago, before MS even, and that was all.  And as we all know, I've had plenty of periods since then, and we all know because why?  I refer you to the first sentence of this post. 

Where is this post going?  Guess. 

Well, yesterday, I had to Saddle Up for Old Rusty.  A part of me was gleeful, cause surely that meant I wasn't old after all, and I would get to post another entry to my Google-famous oracles.  The other part of me was disgusted because after all, who LIKES to bleed from the lady-bits?  Also, when the old ladies asked me if I was "still doing it", I said nope.  At first, I misunderstood and thought they were asking me if I were still "doing it" as in still sexing it up with boys, and I blushed horrifically, and stuttered "uh uh uh, well what do you think the trips to Reno are all about?  Gambling?"  With that the old ladies cracked up laughing and I thought hmmm, old people CAN have a sense of humor about sex, maybe this being old thing won't be so bad after all.  Wait.  Maybe they have a sense of humor about gambling?  Damn, old people DO like to gamble, this I know, because I used to schedule the trips to Jackpot when I was working for the senior citizen center.  Maybe it wasn't about sex after all. 

So anyways.  In doing my extensive, time-consuming research for the Moody Monthlies, I realized I have 7 more letters of the alphabet to go.  Considering the sporadic-ness of said T-minus and Holding, and that I might be waiting for the Tomato Boat to Come In before the next time I can Take Carrie To The Prom, I figured I better wrap this up, put myself Up On Blocks and consider the Moody Monthlies as have running it's course.  HEY!  Did I just invent my own euphemism - "Running Its Course"?  Awesome.

But by doing so, does that mean accepting the fact that I'm 50, and must commence lamenting the fact of my Weeping Womb?  Or will being 50 become the Wound That Never Heals?  Will I get another Visit From Cap'n Bloodsnatch, and continue celebrating my womanhood and Visitations for the Squeaky Mattress Symphony from SanFranMan? 

We shall see. 

Altho it would be nice to finish the alphabet as promised, it is with some relief that there are no euphemisms for X, Y and Z. 

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Just Call Me Woman Hear Me Roar

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Today's a Red Letter Day

It's 11:00am Thursday morning.  It's been 4 days of painful hell.  I FINALLY feel human right now.  And I'm bored to death, cause I have done nothing but lay on the bed or the couch.  The kitchen is an absolute mess, all sorts of various food in bowls, cans, and dishes, tasted once or twice, trying to find something appetizing that would stay down.  I've felt nauseous for 4 days straight, wanting to "urp" (vomit), but unable to.  Wheels and I had gone out to lunch on Monday, and I got sick a half hour later.  Food poisoning? 

I dunno.  But I felt like a wet noodle someone threw against the wall for the "doneness" test. (The link is also an interesting take on turning 50, coincidently) 

As always, when I use parenthesis, I wonder if I'm using them properly.  I find it very interesting that my sister took a grammar class after she started reading my blog.  I KNOW it's so she can catch my mistakes.  Which is all well and good, but it'd be nice if she'd let me know, rather than giggling evilly, evil-ly, evil-ee, or evilily when she sees one.  Share the knowledge is what I always say.  But noooo, she hoards it to herself and probably talks about my erroneous parenthesis use behind my back with her boss, the Idaho State Senator.  Hmmphh.

So anyways, yesterday I was contemplating Living Wills and suicide notes that would be worded so eloquently that no-one would feel guilty about the way I left, because it would have been a death by murder.  Pain will murder me, it won't be anything but that.  And the suspect won't be MS ... I think Arthritis will need to be investigated.  Wait.  Maybe CSI will discover that it's a conspiracy between MS and arthritis ... each blaming the other, in order to throw suspicion off itself.  Because maybe the arthritis pain triggered other MS symptoms, pretty much making moving and thinking next to impossible. 

Hmmm.  Yesterday the note would have said "Pain murdered me".   All said and done. End of note, there was no other thought in my head.  Today, I'm able to bring CSI, investigation, suspects, and conspiracy onto the case, and be quite imaginative.  Because my brain is back where it belongs, rather than in the toilet. It can think of other words now, and if there was time, I could write an entire screenplay regarding my last 4 days, but hey.  Been there, done it, don't want to do it again.

And what can be the source of feeling better out of the clear blue sky?  It rained during the night, and it was 70 degrees this morning when I woke up.  Not a smidgen of arthritis pain.  MS pain, yes.  But after the last 4 days, this is a piece of cake.  I can handle this.  I had taken off the top sheet and all blankets from the bed last nite, figuring if I got cold - tough luck.  Being over-heated (and in my case 75 degrees is overheated.  I absolutely HATE this time of year because of the temperature highs and lows.  I get cold like everyone else, but to cover-up is ... not good for me.  (I was gonna say it was lethal, but enough with the death dramatics!)  Maybe I should start linking my symptoms to some MS sites so ya'll know I'm not crazy ... heat really is not good for some MS'ers.  Really.  Not being dramatic.

Speaking of ... uh, well I guess I wasn't really speaking of this, but being over-heated reminded me of my period.  Don't we all miss the  ABC's of my Moody Monthlies?  Ahhhh yes, I do intend on getting thru the alphabet, menopause be damned. 

Part of the problem of over-heating was due to the Quiff Cry - it seems I'm not so old after all, ha!  But I hate that word "quiff", it gives me the heebie jeebies.  It sounds like such a dirty word, and you know what a lady I am. Instead I prefer saying I'm Riding the Cotton Pony! and that's part of the reason the last flare-up was so bad.  I don't know why I prefer being hysterically gross rather than dirty, but there ya go.

Wow - SanFranMan commented!  Oh He Who Denied Being 50 When We Were in Reno with his kids ...

I figured the kids liked me - his daughter in particular, as she'd slip her hand in mine, and when I promised her that one of the water slides wasn't scary, she believed me and went on it after all.  Her brother begged and begged her to go with him, but brothers can't always be trusted, you know.  She and I had gone on another ride which was NOT fun, and it hurt her back a little so she was too scared to go at first.  She was also fascinated with all my bags, and make-up bag, etc.  She loves loves loves organizational things, which is right up my ally.  His son felt comfortable enough to recite a line he'd heard in the sex/health education class "and the penis is placed firmly in. to. the. vagina" ... it was hysterical to hear coming out of a 12 year old mouth. 

Course, having the dogs did help, but pretty soon it was my charming self that they liked.  I'm a listener when it comes to kids in dysfunctional/divorcing families, and boy did they ever talk, the daughter in particular.  She had questions and questions about me and SFM, about abuse, about MS, about her Grandpa George, and about The Teeth.  I'll have to get permission from SFM to say anymore, so maybe later.  Like I've said before - people and relationship dynamics fascinate me and this family is full of material.  Not just me and SFM, but George, the siblings, their pasts, etc. 
I felt so good today that I started cleaning up the house, and each room is about half done, so it's time to finish this post and get to it.   Feeling good is why it's a Red Letter Day!

For some reason, when I put a new fleece blanket on the bed, Barf peed in the exact middle of it.  After the first week, both cats have been perfect about using the cat box, even when I've not cleaned it out for a week.  Usually I change it every 3 days.  So there must have been something smelly on the blanket to trigger the pee.  But something about it being in the exact middle of the bed tells me he's trying to tell me something.   

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Just Call Me Not Believing the Innocent Act
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Pukey

 

This picture would seem to indicate that I LIKE the various shades of what I call 'Putrid Green'.  Wallet, pants, hat, coat, etc.  One could correctly assume that I CHOSE to buy such items in such color, cause who would dare to gift someone with such a color? 

However, when it comes to wearing it this morning.  It seems that wearing the Putrid Green is bringing out the putrid within me.  All I can do is stare at myself in disgust.  Who in the hell draped me in such vomit?  I must draw the line. 

It'd be a hard call to speculate as to whether my mood is caused by the steroids, or the fact that there seems to be a bit of Panty Painting going on.  Which would explain the massive consumption of Chinese food a couple days ago.  And as you know, you're always starving 2 hours after eating Chinese, so when I got home, I ate a ton of cheddar cheese, including a cheese sandwich, (which I hate???) and 3 bowls of cereal.  Also, about  7 pounds of raisons.  I was truly mystified. 

Until I found this:  Note the items in red. 

Prednisone may cause side effects. Tell your doctor if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away:

• headache.     check
• dizziness.       Always
• difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep.  Suddenly sleeping like a rock
• inappropriate happiness.  Hilarious.  But not happening.
• extreme changes in mood.  Hell, my aide causes that just by walking in the door.  Or the phone ringing.  
• changes in personality.  Still as charming as ever.  
• bulging eyes.  Good hell, I hope not! (as my eyes bulge out at the mere thought of it)
• acne.  Not so far, but have lots of experience.
• thin, fragile skin. 
• red or purple blotches or lines under the skin
• slowed healing of cuts and bruises
• increased hair growth.  Great.  
• CHANGES IN THE WAY FAT IS SPREAD AROUND THE BODY. Oh this will be my favorite.  Can't weight.  hahahahahahahahahahah.  Oh dear, there's the inappropriate happiness.  Doesn't say anything about inappropriate cleverness.   Can't weight.  hahahahaha
• extreme tiredness
• weak muscles.  Normal 
• irregular or absent menstrual periods.  Haven't you read my Aunt Flo series?  
• decreased sexual desire.  Put a man in the house, and we'll see.  
• heartburn.  Put a man in the house and we'll see.  
• increased sweating.  Put a man in the house, and we'll see.  

Some side effects can be serious. If you experience any of the following symptoms, call your doctor immediately:

• vision problems.  Normal with MS.
• eye pain, redness, or tearing.  Normal with MS.
• sore throat, fever, chills, cough, or other signs of infection
• seizures
• depression
• loss of contact with reality.  Snicker.
• confusion.  Normal with MS.
• muscle twitching or tightening.  Normal with MS.  
• shaking of the hands that you cannot control.  Normal with MS. 
• numbness, burning, or tingling in the face, arms, legs, feet, or hands.  NORMAL WITH MS.  This is getting ridiculous.  
• upset stomach
• vomiting
• lightheadedness
• irregular heartbeat
• SUDDEN WEIGHT GAIN.  Like... how much of a weight gain?  Like... 4 lbs in one day maybe?  
• shortness of breath, especially during the night.  I'm suffering from this just from reading these side-effects.  
• dry, hacking cough
• swelling or pain in the stomach
• swelling of the eyes, face, lips, tongue, throat, arms, hands, feet, ankles, or lower legs
• difficulty breathing or swallowing
• rash
• hives
• itching

Prednisone may slow growth and development in children. risks of giving prednisone to your child.

Prednisone may increase the risk that you will develop osteoporosis.

Some patients who took prednisone or similar medications developed a type of cancer called Kaposi's sarcoma.

Prednisone may cause other side effects. Call your doctor if you have any unusual problems while you are taking this medication.

Hmmmm.  Not anywhere does it state one might suddenly hate the color Putrid Green. 

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Ask me what happens when my dogs get attacked by a dog again with me on 'roids'. 

It wasn't pretty.  

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My Moody Monthly is Here

I walked downtown to take a picture of this shocking, but real horror. 

My name is not on the Biggest Loser's board at Curves.  Sniff.  Probably cause I bragged about being on it 9 months out of 12 months.  And the staff has been pointing me out to new members that I've been the Biggest Loser for the last 3 months in a row.  Pride goeth before the fall, as they say.

I had my weigh-in/measure day a couple of days ago, and lost inches again, but gained 3 pounds.  ???  Oh well, that's odd, but okay. 

Then?  Yesterday Kitty had a Nosebleed.  What kitty, you ask?  The kitty down in the Leaky Basement, of course.  Evidently, I am blessed with the Misery more than twice a month, since I had a Leak Week about 2 weeks ago.  My cup of Joy is Overflowing. 

Forgive my over-doing my alphabetic Aunt Flo hysteria, which began here, here, here and here.  But what with my Lady Days being gone last year for about 6 months, to suddenly reappearing, to having it 2 times a month, leads me to believe my personal little Nuisance is about to ebb away into that thing they call menopause.  Which I can't decide is a good thing or not.  I think it's spose to cause some sort of crisis, but frankly, crisis's are boring to me now. 

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My Field is Still in Season

I got an email asking what happened to my "Aunt Flo Series".  Heh. 

Well, the story is this and this. 

My complaint now?  I've been cheated and robbed.  Duped to the max.  Tricked to the third planet from the sun. 

There hadn' been any Aunt Flo stories because there hasn't been any Friend from the Red Sea come visiting.  Now at my age, one could safely assume menopause had arrived and believe you me, I didn't miss my little 'friend', and only thought it appropriate for menopause to arrive somewhat calmly and discreetly, having had only a couple of hot flashes.  I sent regular memo's, reminding The Powers That Be, that heat was NOT good for MS, so please, for the love of Powers That Be, to PLEASE SPARE ME. 

But guess what!  After months of not Falling to The Communist's freedom, I've been Gifted with the Girl Time once again.  Which means it was a lie back in October/November when I said I couldn't get pregant.  Evidently, my time in San Francisco should have been Hummer Week.  Evidently, I'm still In Season.  Fucker. 

Apologies for the many links.  But at my age, one doesn't know how many months of Hunting for the Red October I have left, so I thought I better rush ahead with the alphabet.  You understand. 

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Confidential

I don't feel good today.  Yesterday, I weighed in at Curves, and was down 3 lbs, which surprised me.  I've been on a tortilla chip drive for about 3 days now.  So imagine my delight to be be 3 lbs down all while being at the End of My Sentence.  Yes, I've made a little play on words.  And yes, I do feel silly to share each month, but I'm committed to getting thru the alphabet with Aunt Flo's euphemisms. 

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Dark Days...

I've been doing so well MS-wise.  But the last 3 days have been hell on pain again.  Get so discouraged then.  Doesn't matter how great I am feeling emotionally, when the pain makes it hard to touch, feel, concentrate.  No Blue Sloth I am not.  He's got some monster thing in his belly that hurts, but still manages to do everything... and I do mean - everything, stay-at-home dad that he is.  How he stays so optimistic is beyond me.  He damn well better be lying half the time, cause otherwise he makes me look bad.  He's got 3 beautiful children, builds sand castles, and writes about the kids wondrously. 

Hmmm... see?  There's a silver lining.  At least I don't have stomach problems.  Altho...it IS still shrinking.  Today was weigh-in/measurement day at Curves, but it's Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy Day, so no way am I going to get weighed or measured.  One thing ....... when I was fat, I didn't notice feeling fat or bloated on DDUNDay but getting skinnier makes me notice feeling fat and bloated.  Even tho the scale says I'm 4 more lbs. down. 

I'm also in a shit shit shit mode of mind these past few days frankly.  It could be the blues cause I'm serving up Dracula's Tea Bag, but I'm also spose to go see SanFranMan in the next couple weeks, but I refuse to let him pay for it, cause every dime of his needs to go to his custody case.  I have to come up with a whole 69.00 for the damage deposit for the new apartment too.  Moving to San Fran isn't a top priority at the moment now that the kids aren't there - now I have time to wait to hear from housing down there.  I'm going to keep my place up here even so.  It's only 150.00 a month, and my son and daughter-in-law are moving back next June.  I'm not sure where to be, that's for sure. 

Since I'll be at this computer all weekend long filing pictures properly, I could go nuts with posting more.  Each picture sparks a memory, then the Internet takes over, I have Profound Thoughts, Grand Ideas, and Unlimited Plans to improve the blog.  At the very least, I need to get out of the damn Aunt Flo site. 

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It's Blow Job Day

You know how when I said I'm extremely suggestable?  Well on Tuesday I read an article about 'taking two days off from exercise can cue your body to start packing on the fat again'.  According to Self magazine, researchers found that when lab rats went without their exercise wheel for 53 hours, after weeks of daily runs, their tummy fat increased by 25%, and their fat cells swelled by 19%.  Frank Booth, Ph.D. says to blame the body's survival instincts.  It's set up to store fat. 

Hence they say to be consistant in order not to trigger your body into thinking it's not gonna get food ever ever again. 

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I missed going to Curves on Tuesday and Wednesday this week.  I weighed myself on Thursday....  sure enough, the body gained a whole pound.  Now normally, this is not condusive for the goal to lose weight.  But this was okay.  Why?  Well, because Aunt Flo came on Tuesday. 

Scuse me while I rant for a minute.   

I hate euphemisms for My PERIOD.  In looking up how to spell euphemisms, of course the Internet had to get involved, and I was led by the nose to here.  I no longer hate euphemisms for MY PERIOD!  The new goal in my life is to choose one euphemisms for each letter of the alphabet, beginning....  oddly enough... with the A's. 

So..... usually during All Anal Sex Week, I gain around 5 lbs.  So gaining only one pound is great after all.  Oh dear me, I'm blushing.  I'm going to have to link that anal thing again, just to show that it wasn't me being nasty. 

How did I get sooo off-track?  What was I talking about?  Scroll upward, the Inner Voice says. 

Oh yes.  Self magazine told me that rats gain weight if they miss a day or two of jogging on their exercise wheels. 

I'm so off-base with this one.  It started out with me blaming Self magazine for my one pound weight gain, cause I missed 2 days of my exercise wheeling.  Just cause I read it, my Suggestibility meter rose 1 pound. 

But never mind.  I gained a pound because this is Blow Job Week.  Actually, I need to change that to Blow Job Day, since my Crimson Tide lasts only a couple. 

If I title this post Blow Job Week, am I finally going to gain attention in my little room on the World Wide Web?  Will Google bring me .... customers readers?  Do we want Blow Jobbers in here?  Are they givers... or are they receivers?  Good hell!!! Are they going to assume I'm a giver?   

Disclaimer to any Blow Jobbers who may wander in.  I'm a giver, but my penis's have to belong to someone I know and love, thankyouverymuch.  I'm sorry to disappoint you, but since you're here, you might find this interesting.  Perhaps you should reconsider your porny habits, and get involved with something a little more wholesome, hmmmm?  Just saying. 

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