Me 'n My Laptop

Game Boy

*

You accuse others

of playing games.

You are older than me

and wiser, you say.

Just because

you have more years

than me.

And yet,

you are the

biggest game player

of all,

trying to control an "us"

in the future,

by saying something

can

or cannot be. 

I refuse to play

your game,

because I will not

please you

just to please

only you. 

*

Mothers don't want to read this ...

*

I want to make love,

  but I'm afraid that's all I want.

I'm afraid I'd be the one to turn over

  and go right to sleep afterwards.

I'm afraid I'd be hoping

  you'd be gone in the morning

  before I woke up.

No ties,

  no strings,

    no promises,

      no expectations,

        no nothing ...

But sex.

Making love?

No. 

Fucked. 

*

R E S P E C T

*

A man needs to be respected,

as does a woman,

in order to feel good about theirselves.

A man and a woman

need to respect each other.

A woman needs to respect herself

when she can't respect her man.

Which really means

she has to live

on her own self-respect

and kick him out the door.

*

I think too highly

*

I

think too highly

of others,

and not enough

of myself.

You

think too highly

of yourself,

and not enough

of others.

*

I'm telling ya

*

Being single

is being bait.

Sharks

eat bait.

*

Sometimes I forget

*

Something in me

draws them to me -

like moths to the flame,

but it looks an awful lot like

small boys to their mothers.

Sometimes I forget

that giving doesn't

necessarily get you anything,

except alot of being taken.

*

Altho ...

being taken

isn't necessarily a bad thing ...

*

Note in what category this is filed in before you freak out and wonder who the hell I'm not telling you about in the present ...

*

He woke my body up,

if even for just a minute,

it's the first time in years

it's been awake.

He retreated -

I'm not his type.

I retreated -

still married I told myself,

and too chicken.

*

The body that woke up

retreated out of pure terror.

It's not used to wanting a man

just for the sake of sex

and what it could learn

just for the fun of it.

It's kind of scary -

now that the body

wants to take a peek

and see what's out there. 

Should I go?

Back when the San Francisco Housing Authority tried to trick me into believing that all I needed to qualify was a California State license or ID, I visited Ben last year and got my California ID.  When what they REALLY meant was that I needed a San Francisco ID, but hey, that took another plane ride to discover. 

Jury duty in San Diego's Superior Court.  My luck would be to get the OJ trial... 

Which is silly, since his case wouldn't be a Superior Court issue.  One would hope not, anyways.

I'm in a really bitchy mood cause ... bet you can't guess ! ...   PAIN.  Had a good Sunday - Tuesday, and cleaned up Wheely's bedroom and bathroom yesterday.  Am trying to do one project a day, so the place is spic and span when she comes back.  Today's chore is to winterize her yard. 

Have 2 posts written inside my laptop, but forgot to bring it back to my house. 

Remember the lost pills in the mail to SFM?  After worrying whether I'm about to be arrested for mailing legal, subscribed medication in the mail?  And calling the post office, and then calling their Lost in Mail number, and giving the details (they didn't ask what was inside the package)?  SFM called this morning to say he got them after all, just a couple days after I mailed them.  It was "in a pile".  Huh. 

He has trust issues with women in general.  So his first inclination is to act like "Yea right, you know you didn't send them".  Which infuriates me cause I try really really hard to be OVERLY trustworthy for him, cause I know how he is.  So HA!  Take THAT, you ... you... MAN! 

Over and out -

Just Call Me Tired
.

There's an elephant in the living room

I live in a senior/disabled home facility.  The old people are dropping like flies around here.  I was taking care of a guy down the hall, whom I thought was about 70 years old or older.  Turns out he was only 55.  I'd make sure he was breathing every morning, fix him some toast, or help him into the bathroom.  Picked him up off the floor more than once.  He died.  There are 2 other guys in other halls who died within the last month also.  Then there's also PPGuy.  Who's 52 years old, but looks 65-70. Death by alcoholism happens more often around here than old age does. 

I've been taking PPGuy to the store almost everyday this month.  He had been calling a local taxi service, and paying $7.00 a day.  I needed money this month so I told him I'd take him, and charge only $5.00. 

My conscious is fighting with me.  He buys beer every day.  Our landlady had told him after his last "episode" where we had to call the ambulance for him, that he couldn't bring beer into the building anymore.  Now .. I KNOW she can't dictate that because alcohol is legal.  And our lease says nothing about no alcohol.  He probably knows the same thing.  For months now, he bought only 3 beers a day.  I knew the reason why he went every day was because that's how he limits himself.  If he bought 6 beers (enough for 2 days), he'd drink them all in one day.  I know he gets the DT's if he doesn't drink.  I know that going thru DT's without medical intervention can kill him - I don't remember the numbers, but it was around 40 percent, I think.  I know he'd walk to the store if he couldn't get a ride.  And I know he'd fall down on the side of the road if he did, because he's so weak.  He lies and says he needs to get milk, bread, butter, a newspaper, etc.  He gets those things, and then it all spoils.  The newspaper is used to "hide" the beer cans in the see-thru grocery sacks. 

This morning, I was out the back door of the building, taking the dogs out to pee in the garden area.  When I got back to my apartment, I could tell PPGuy had been there cause it stunk to high heaven in my doorway. He's pickled.  Pickeled?  He might as well be stuffed in a jar of ether, along with a rotten egg - to account for the smell. 

The seniors gripe at me for taking him to the store each day, cause they know the landlady told him no more alcohol.  A part of me delights in knowing she has no right to enforce it.  Another part of me needs the money - just call me an opportunist enabler?   Before this month, he'd run out of money halfway thru the month, paying the taxi service and would need a ride from me for the last 2 weeks of each month. Since he was out of money, he'd not be able to help with gas.  He doesn't remember anything from day to day, so I hated to set up any IOU's - he just doesn't remember things, and I have an aversion to taking advantage of that.  Hell, I could tell him he needs to pay me 200.00 for last week, and he'd fork it over.  I put a little calendar in the car and mark off each day I drive him, and when he pays me, so he knows he's not getting screwed.  I guess it comes from being married to my alcoholic.  We made good money.  He much more than I did, but I averaged $3,000.00 a month with my daycare business.  Before I went to treatment, I'd spend money just to get even with him for all the wrongs I perceived in our relationship.  Perceive, schmerceive!  I knew some things for sure.  He didn't come home 5 nites out of 7.  He said horrible, horrible things to me when drunk.  He'd hide cocaine in the house and I had 28 kids a day in my daycare.  He lied.  He took vacations in other countries without telling me.  I didn't care if we ended up in the poorhouse - it would serve him right, was my thinking. If he forgot that he'd already given me money for the house payment, and gave me some more, I wouldn't remind him that he'd already given me enough.  He'd be in the shower, and I'd tell him I needed 20 bucks, and he'd tell me to get it out of his wallet, and I would.  Then that nite he'd say "Hey, I forgot to give you that 20 bucks, here it is", and I wouldn't say a word.  That kind of thing.  I thought of it as my "fee" for putting up with a drunk. 

Then I went to Codependency treatment and got all healthy, dammit. 

I can't figure out whether I'm enabling PPGuy or not.  At first I thought I wasn't because I'm charging him for the rides, rather than just doing it.  He has to pay for it.  He has to be responsible that way.  He's either paying me or the taxi service.  Right? 

And yea, the beer is killing him.  But so would a walk to the store in the dark, should he not be able to get a ride.

I guess there would be some comfort in being able to say "Well, it's the Taxi service who helped to kill him, not me". 

When taking career testing, both times alcohol rehab counselor came up as the number one job for me.  I understand the dynamics of addiction, and I'm not judgmental about it.  I believe my boundaries now to be solid, and don't get sucked in, nor do I take the outrageous behavior personally.  My husband once told me he'd never have a baby with me, cause I produced monsters.  (In reference to Jacob's birth defects).  At the time, that crushed me, and for years I'd bring it up in every fight.  If someone said it to me now?  I'd walk away without looking back, ever, and feel good about it.  The lesser insults, like ... telling me I'm too heavy?  Whatever.  Or ... telling me I don't know how to fry chicken?  Yup.  What of it?  I just don't take things personally anymore, and I know where the line is of what I will accept and not accept.  I also know my heart won't be broke should I have to cross that line and leave that relationship or friendship because it's no longer about being abandoned, or abandoning (giving up on them), but it's about valuing myself enough to do what's best for me should the other person not care enough to do so with me.  That's all it is - nothing personal. 

Smelling PPGuy's smell at my doorway this morning, and seeing that he bought SIX beers today, and remembering that he couldn't carry his grocery sacks yesterday means that he bought six beers yesterday ... it was clear as day to me - he's killing himself.  Alcohol will kill him. The same as it killed my friend down the hall, and the 2 other guys down the other hall.  They're all the same.  They don't eat, they lie, they think everyone believes their lies, they stop eating, the food rots in their apartments, they fall and fall and crash all over the floors, they pee and poop everywhere but the toilet, they don't change their clothes, they don't shower.  Then one morning ... they're dead.

In struggling with my conscience this morning, I thought ... "What if I was in love with someone who reached this level of drinking, what would I do?  I remember telling my husband once that I couldn't stick around to watch him die.  At the time, it was an manipulative thing to say ... I'd never seen or known anyone who died from alcoholism. Knowing what I know now, I could have stayed with him.  But I had kids to raise, and my codependency healing hadn't taken full root yet, so I had to get out. 

I have a long history with alcoholics.  I could have become one myself after Jacob died, but I had 3 year old SonOne to take care of.  In my 20's, I'd drink once or twice a year to get drunk on purpose, like for New Year's Eve, or some other party.  I didn't drink at all during my 30's.  I got MS in my 40's, and tried like hell to drink, but could never get drunk - I think it has something to do with my medications, altho you'd think just the opposite. 

My father was/still is? an alcoholic.  I was married to an alcoholic.  One brother was an alcoholic, another was addicted to cocaine, speed, pot, and I think he tried heroin.  A sister is 11 1/2 years sober.  I think I stayed sober cause I had to be the designated driver.  Or be the responsible parent.  I also hated the loss of control.  My husband and I would go camping, dirt biking, or snow machining most weekends, and the entire camp would drink themselves stupid, while I got some sort of satisfaction in taking care of everything.  It fit real well with my codependent nature.  One of the "genetic" factors of alcoholism is the personality traits that are developed for coping, and they do get passed on down from generation to generation. 

While married to my alcoholic, I saw a commercial on TV for a treatment center.  It said "We can help the one you love stop drinking".  Ahem.  What a hook.  In fact, they had to pull the ad because it was so manipulative.  If you live with an alcoholic, it's a given that you're codependent.  Codependency means you spend more time thinking, worrying, taking care of, doing for the alcoholic than you do for yourself.  You think you're responsible for making the world work correctly.  You take on all the shame, guilt, and worry ... which works out well for the drinker - he/she doesn't have to feel anything cause the family members are doing it all for him/her.  If he/she falls flat on their face at a party ... you're the one embarrassed - not them.  At the same time, if you're the one who manages to cover for him/her and the family looks good on the outside, they're the ones who take all the credit.  The coda behavior then carries over to other relationships.  For me, it meant that I tried to control EVERYTHING.  Living with alcoholism is a shaky deal - you're never really sure of anything, so the more you can control (which includes manipulating), the safer you feel.  That need for control/safety doesn't bode well for healthy relationships.  Co-dependency = micromanage.  I think the meaning of micromanage would be having someone in the passenger seat giving me directions ... to my own house.  It also means self-sacrificing yourself until you disappear, even to yourself. 

I always used to tell my support groups that "You pick out what you need to work out".  Meaning, like likes like.  Good grief.  I need to find a better way to say it.  It meant that I chose alcoholics and/or drug users to be with, because they were familiar.  I unconsciously chose my relationships based on MY own issues that needed working out.  My first husband was emotionally distant and unavailable.  As was my father.  My second husband was an alcoholic, and it was the smell of beer on his breath that brought back memories of my father.  It wasn't until then that I realized what the family secret had been (one of them) ... it was his drinking.  I'm not even sure if it was hidden necessarily ... but it certainly wasn't explained that he was a jerk because he was drinking, nor was it understood back then what the effects of drinking were on families. Each man that I was with had a major issue that triggered mine, and by being with them, my memories of childhood were triggered, and I began to heal, once I knew what the label to the problem was.  Maybe that's another reason why I don't hate alcoholics - to me, it was a healing journey. 

When my step-son started to blame me for the problems in our family because I wouldn't let him go places with his father (drinking and driving), I listened to that commercial ... "You can help the one you love stop drinking", and I went in to see how I could get my husband to stop drinking ... by hell, I was JUST the person to do it!  What a perfect hook - it fed right into a co-dependent's need to fix everything.  I took a damn test, answering 50 questions.  I didn't like the results of the first one, so I asked if I could take the test again, pretending I wasn't married to the alcoholic, because I was sure the problems  were because of the alcoholic.  The counselor said "Sure!" with a little smile on his face.  Asshole.  Because sure as the sun rises in the morning ... the score for my second test?  Only one point difference!  I wasn't the way I was because of him!  But wait one damn minute, buster, why in the HELL was I taking a test???  I wasn't the one with a problem - I came in to help my alcoholic husband, so why was I the one being talked into treatment? 

The bottom line was that I chose to go into treatment because ultimately it wasn't about the alcoholic.  The REAL problem was why did  I choose be with/stay with an alcoholic.  I couldn't change him, but I could learn to change me. 

I learned my lessons, and took SonOne and my stepson with me to the family treatment also.  They learned it was a disease and were able to separate the father from the disease, and not to take it personally.  In fact, that is the gift I believe I was able to give to both our boys - we all learned that we could hang on to our love for the alcoholic, but hate the alcohol, while learning to set our own boundaries.  So often it turns out that the alcoholic ends up all alone, having burned out all the friends and family and children, etc. 

Today, looking at and smelling PPGuy, I didn't have any answers. 

If I loved a man who'd reached that level of illness ... my first gut answer would be "just love him".  In sickness and in health stuff comes into play, doesn't it?  But the truth of the matter is ... 3 beers vs 6 beers makes it a whole 'nuther story.  At three beers, he could still take a shower, have a conversation, focus his eyes on me, and remember he loved me.  At six beers ... none of that.  And without him being able to remember he loved me, I'd be committing  personal suicide, having to take care of someone who couldn't shower, who smelled like pickled rotten eggs that had been peed and shit on. 

And the second truth of it is that 6 beers ALWAYS turns into 9 beers. 

Maybe not personal suicide, but murder ... helping facilitate 6 beers into 9 beers, forcing the issue in order to end the agony? 

There's more than one alcoholic in my life and I can't help but wonder if they saw what I saw, these 3 people who have died by alcoholism in my world - if it would make a difference? 

Altho my boundaries are strong and I will not ever be hurt again by someone's drinking ... I do struggle with ... understanding perhaps too much?  Does my understanding and 100% acceptance feed the problem?  They are able to be honest with me about it, but does that make it seem like it's okay?  Am I smiling as I watch/help/support/understand someone to their death?

I know I'm being dramatic at the moment, cause I freaked out alot this morning.  Looking at PPGuy today ... I was looking death in the face.  And today ... it really hit too close to home. 

*
Just Call Me Torn
.

Firefoxing down the primrose lane

I've discovered the browser 'Firefox' too.  Lordy. 

It's got all sorts of gizmo's that threaten to trigger my obsessive/compulsive disorder.  IF I had such a disorder, that is.

After two days of fiddling with it, I took the leap and made it my default browser, knowing full well that if I change my mind that I won't remember how to change it back to Internet Explorer. 

I just read that it's normal for MS'rs to have spats of insomnia.  I'm always happy to know I'm normal.

SanFranMan is planning another trip to Reno this month.  Ben invited me to San Diego maybe the first part of April.  It's times like these that I look at my dogs with a frown.  They help with depression, but it's also depressing being stuck all the time cause of them.  I looked into boarding them, and kennels don't like the fact that I feed them raw chicken.  One of them asked if they left it laying around.... ?  Uh no. 

I called the cops yesterday, because there was a high-pitched smoke alarm sounding noise outside, and it hurt the dogs ears - they wouldn't stay out long enough to go poop.  Of course, none of the old people could hear it.  It was my third call also, and they didn't take me seriously until I told them I lived where I do, and it sounded like a smoke alarm.  Two cops came, along with the fire truck, and I felt a little guilty cause I was sure it was coming from the new jail behind us.  I watched the cops faces closely because it occured to me that it might just be in my head - another symptom or sompting.  I did that on purpose.  Symptom or SOMETHING.  Fine.  The first cop couldn't hear it, but the second one did.  Whew. 

I feel so boring.  What the hell is there to write about? 

Maybe there will be new material at the gym. 

. 

Reason #15 - The End of the World is Right Next Door

McShadow:  Muttin is shivering
Ben:  How come
Ben:  Note my concern
McShadow:  Gave her a bath earlier
McShadow:  I noted your concern
McShadow:  I may just have to blog about it, you and your concern. 
Ben:  lol
McShadow:  brb
McShadow:  back
Ben:  Do you know about 2012?
McShadow:  No
Ben:  Google it
McShadow:  Right now?
Ben:  Anytime.  I'm interested in it.  Don't buy alot of it, but its interesting.
McShadow:  Okay
McShadow:  Too worried about Muttin - she needs to be held, and it's hard while typing. 
Ben: In short, the world is coming to an end on 12/21/2012.
McShadow:  Oh yes, I have heard of that.
Ben:  There is quite alot of documentation and scientific research going on and like 30 different scenarios.
McShadow:  Why didn't it end on 07/07/07?
Ben:  Because the Mayan calendar, the most accurate of all, ends on 12/21/2012.
McShadow:  Oh
Ben:  I'm reading a book about it, kind of hilarious the way the guy writes.
Ben:  Actually, the most believable scenario is the mega volcano in Yellowstone park will blow up and create nuclear winter.
McShadow:  Oh great.  Yellowstone is right next door to me. 
McShadow:  That's gonna be Reason #15 for moving to San Francisco.
Ben:  Then there is the energy cloud that the solar system will pass through and destroy all life as we know it.
Ben:  And the asteroids approaching.
Ben:  And the sun frying us
Ben:  Etc, ad nauseum, ad infinitum.
Ben:  Anyway, I'm off to bed baby. Got a poker tournament in the AM.
Ben:  I hope your rat dog is ok.  (Note the concern and worry)
McShadow:  So noted.  Smart ass.

Little girl was really seriously cold.  She's not a cuddle type, nor does she like blankets or anything touching her when she sleeps.  So it was a bit worrisome that she sat there willingly, all covered up.  Then again when we went to bed...

... she slept under the the Sea World blanket all nite. 

Little adorable. 

. 

As youuuu wishhhhh

Oh the pressure, the pressure.  One reader thinks I've fallen off the earth cause I haven't posted since Friday, and another reader wishes I would post less pictures and do more writing. 

It's the pictures that usually spark my writing, sniff.  At the same time, I hate uploading the pictures cause it takes sooooo much time (like 3 entire minutes). 

So here it is.

Duke keeps moaning.  I think he's got arthritis.  There's one section of our walk where he's afraid to cross a little bridge that goes over the canal.  So he goes down into the canal, and it's a steep little hill getting down and then up again.  Dunno what he's gonna do when the water comes back in the spring.  If we do the bridge at the beginning of the walk, he cries with pain when he jumps back up the bank.  If we do the bridge at the end of the walk, he bounds up like the athlete he thinks he is.  So of course, we do the bridge last. 

Gosling said I used to write about "going out" more.  I asked as "going out" the front door into the world, or "going out" with boys.  She said I used to go to Curves.  I had to laugh.  So I'll write more about "going out".

Today, yesterday, and last Friday and Thursday... I did not go to Curves.  Of course, I could draw out this writing gig by assuming the question would be "Well, why didnt' you go to Curves, Laurie?".  And the answer would be... I dunno.  Didn't wanna.  Can't remember what I was busy with instead...

Okay.  That's it.  Oh wait.  I could share a bright and stimulating chat I had with Ben this afternoon. 

McShadow : k
McShadow : know how to know if you're eating healthy?
McShadow : hmmm?
McShadow : guess
McShadow : cause I'll bet you don't know
McShadow : hurry
Ben: enlighten me
McShadow : your poop will float
Ben: really
McShadow : yup
Ben : i never knew that
McShadow : I'm sitting here nodding my head firmly
Ben : mine goes straight to the bottom.lol
McShadow : the only reason why I mention it....
McShadow : well
McShadow : because mine just floated
Ben : way to go!
Ben : rofl
McShadow : and I remembered reading about it a long time ago
Ben : I'll make a note
McShadow : do
McShadow : but.... it was green
McShadow : that's kind of worrisome
Ben :  (makes a green urpy face)
McShadow : lolol
Ben : did you eat lots of iron food?
McShadow : nope
McShadow : well wait
Ben : greens, liver, etc
McShadow : I eat ALOT of raisons
McShadow : but hell... I'm used to eating raisons
McShadow : was never green before
Ben : you had somethig with iron babe
Ben : that one i know
McShadow : what is eggplant?
Ben : thats why babies poop green, most of that baby food ios full of iron
Ben : there ya go
McShadow : hmmm
McShadow : you may be right
McShadow : I'm blogging this
Ben : oh my
Ben : i guess i should say somethign provokative then
McShadow : and spell correctly
Ben : that two
Ben : ready?
Ben : "Trouble rodes a Fast horse"
Ben : rides
Ben : so much for spelling
McShadow : you're incapable
Ben : of what?
McShadow : of spelling right
Ben : well, im an excellent speller, justa lousy typist

And as it turns out, we went over why I don't go to Curves much anymore. 

Ben : so why did you become disenchanted with curves?
McShadow : got mad at the owner
McShadow : plus I quit losing weight
Ben : but you could stay healthym, yes?  Get that cardio thing going and all
McShadow : the last four months, didn't lose anything weight wise or inches wise
McShadow : and when I questioned the owner about it
McShadow : she shrugged her shoulders
McShadow : plus when I wanted to order 2 shirts, she wouldn't change the order date to the next day, when I would have money. 
McShadow : when there was only one other order
Ben : i remember that
McShadow : the order date was a Thursday, the 28th
McShadow : when everyone in retail knows that paydays are Fridays, every other Friday, on the 1st and the 15th, and sometimes on Mondays
McShadow : she lied to me and said she had 7 orders
McShadow : later on, another employee who had heard about my hissy fit, told me that there was only one other order
McShadow : I hate liars
Ben : ok
McShadow : so I was going to go to the Curves in Rexburg
McShadow : but then I got that ticket in Rexburg
McShadow : so that ended driving to Rexburg
Ben : yep
McShadow : cause I figure Rexburg only has one cop and he knows me now!
.

I'm all a train wreck today

I made a phone call.  Ring ring ring.

Me:  Are you alone?

She:  Yessss.   Why?

Me:  Cause I don't want anyone to hear me crying. 

She:  Okay.......  What's wrong?

Me:  I don't know.  Wahhhhhhh.

She:  (Something.  I don't remember)

Me:  I think I love SanFranMan.  Wahhhhh.

She:  Yea, well....

Me:  I mean, I knew I love loved him, but I thought I didn't love him anymore. 

She:  You mean "in love"....

Me:  Yeaaaaa  Wahhhhhhh

Me:  I don't want to be IN love with him!  I liked things the way they wererrrrrrr, wahhhhhh

Me:  And I don't want to be in Idaho, but now I wonder if San Francisco is the right place after all, wahhhhhhh

She:  (Something.  I don't remember)

Me:  And I'm afraid if I don't go now, I'll never go anywhere, wahhhhhh

She:  I don't know about the SFM stuff, but I know you have to get out of Idaho. 

Me:  And we had SUCH a good time in Reno, but the more 'friends' we are, the more honest he is, he's not trying to impress, so he's more real, but he drinks, and drunk dials and drunk types, and and and he's hilarious, and he told me so many things, wahhhhh, and he's the funniest man, and wahhhhhhhh

Me:  I can't tell you how much I hated coming home.  Hate hate hate.  Hate.  Hate the cold, hate the snow.  Hate living in an old folks home, hate hate hate the cold. 

Me:  And my dogs stink like a French whorehouse, and need a bath, wahhhhhh

She:  (Something.  I don't remember)

Me:  And I had my first full-body massage, wahhhhh, and that was kind of freaky. 

She:  Oh.  How'd that go? 

Me:  It was .... okay.  The hard part was having my hands touched, of all things. 

She:  (Something about being touched during massages)  Ewwey stuff. 

Me:  I don't WANT to be IN love with him, wahhhhhh

She:  Mumble mumble, murmer murmer sympathetic noises.

Me:  And I emailed him this morning to thank him for the great time, and told him that all I could do was cry now in Idaho, wahhhhhh

Me:  And he emailed back, and said it was probably cause I was missing the living large, the living big, the high life we had in Reno, and I was all.... wahhhhhh and didn't email anymore, and pretended it's cause it's freezing cold, and my son just left, and left his damn dog with me, and yea, it's cause I'm missing the bell-hops, and room service and massages and movies and sleeping in late, and not having to walk dogs in the middle of the Ice Age, wahhhhhh

She:  Blah blah blah

Me:  Blah blah blah

Then we get off the phone and I crawled back into my hole. 

Then he called me tonite, and I'm all "fine" and "how are you?" and he's all he's okay, and playing sad music and did I get the Eva Cassidy CD he sent me, and I was all I need to go walk the dogs, and he was all okay, and was I alright now, blah blah blah.  And we hang up. 

I'm all stand-offish because I'll be damned if I love him, I'll have none of it!  Wahhhhhhhhhhhh

And then I discovered I'm all "T-minus 9 months and holding".  Which would explain why the slinky nities weren't quite as slinky as I would have liked.  Hmmph. 

Whew.  So never mind on all that love shit. 

.

Disclaimer - Portions of this post have been imagined or altered to protect the poster, postee, the reader, the readee, and the various personalities involved.  Thank you very much.

. 

What Ben said

There are a few points that should be clarified.  First of all, the Latin love, henceforth known as "Juan Pablo" was not a whale trainer, but a bait handler. A bait handler hmmm?  I wonder if I can get him a job at Bear World right up the road from us.  Thanks for the tip!  Oh, and me and Pablo are doing just fine, since you asked. 

I actually won 2 of the 3 games of Slug Bug.  There may be some animosity on someone's part there.  Whatever. 

Snap, Crackle and Pop are excellent driving companions, and they were with us most of the time. How kind of you not to mention just how many Rice Krispie Treats I ate...

My driving skills are top notch.  With the few minor exceptions that Shadow did not mention.  Like running a red light, taking the wrong freeway, and the late night accidental off-ramp into hard core gangland L.A.  Shit, I couldn't even get to the airport in my own city without taking the wrong exit. Oh believe me, I was planning on mentioning the driving complete with pictures.

Oh, and TC, who won the Super Bowl last year?  Yes, the Pittsburgh Steeler.  So there.

In all seriousness, it was such a fine time that we spent together.  I felt under no pressure to impress her, nor go out of my way, in actuality, I am sure there was alot more I could have done, but I think it all turned out good. 

If you have ever spend any significant time traveling with someone, then you know how things can deteriorate after awhile.  Even after I took us 40 miles too far east, it didn't really seem to affect the trip.  This is special, I was getting a little frustrated with myself, but for some reason, things were OK, and I didn't stress.  I attribute that to Shadow, always keeping the conversation going, about things I haven't thought about in years, deep discussion on things that were never said or not completely gotten out of the way. (oh my!  This reminds me of the time when we drove to San Diego from Idaho.  On the way back, worried that you would fall asleep while driving in the middle of the nite, and I was too tired to drive too, I made you stop the car, got out, went to your door, and told you to take off your pants and underwear.  You, thinking OH BOY! did so in a hurry, thinking you were gonna get lucky.  I perhaps allowed you to think so, until said clothes were in my hands, and then I got back in the car, and told you to drive on, buster.  I figured driving with no pants on would keep you alert...)   (oh, and how we laughed.  We made it home safely, without being stopped by any cops either, cause that might have been kind of hard to explain - why your pants were in the back seat)   (Remember that?)  (Yes, you're right... I AM sparkling and stimulating entertainment, aren't I?)

Sometimes, we all get into such a groove in our lives that we don't even realize it, but we keep on going and going, just waiting for something to snap.  Well, it seems like I've been that way for some time.  I was so looking forward to Shadow coming to visit, it was so fresh and different.  I forgot all about work and school and just enjoyed the moment.  There was laughing, yelling, barking at me to slow down on the dangerous curves, there were sea lions, whales, chef's throwing shrimp tails in their hats, hearts of rice, water rides and roller coasters, the beach, a lighthouse and the urban conflagration which is know as San Francisco - a city I do not like at all. 

Anyway, all that wrapped into one big ball make the whole time extraordinary.  I can't think of anything I've done in the last few years that made me feel so relaxed. 

So while you think that I was just helping you out, which was my pleasure of course, I was actually helping myself as well. 

I don't think about how much $, or what the cost is of a time like that, just what it means to you and me.  It's about being friends, even though it was years between seeing you in person, it felt like just yesterday.  I think that's how friendship should be. 

One final note; it is completely unimaginable how much crap you actually got packed into that little bag.  People do not realize the scope of the size of the small bag, and all the stuff you were able to pack in there.  Truly an amazing feat, really. 

Anyways, be good. 

Ben

Just a brief word about his driving which would explain my barking.

Very curvy roads

+ big fall off the edge of the road cliffs

+ many many many miles all down the coast

+ going too fast to even see the speed limit sign clearly

+ going too fast + running red lights + driving in the L.A GangLand

= poor Ben in heaven before his time. 

.

It's not about the song with rats in it

Two confessions. 

I finally unpacked this morning and found my flying information in my suitcase, instead of Ben's bookcase.

And I have those things that go in your ears to listen to music... I've forgotten what they're called.  But I borrowed them and they were in my purse for some reason, and now I feel bad for stealing them away from Ben. 

So here's the thing.  Someone not so eloquently brought this to my attention last nite, unknowingly reminding myself that I've been thinking about writing this, but have not due to depression and illness... now I'll write it.

As some of you know, Ben and I used to be an 'item'.  He was around when I was first getting diagnosed, and it wasn't a pretty time.  He lived in Twin Falls, and would drive the 3 hour drive to see me every weekend.  One weekend, he made the drive twice cause we got in a fight, and he came back to finish it, or make up, I don't remember.  I really don't remember alot of that time, and he seems to remember several rotten times, but I do remember that he seemed to really, really ... accept me?  In a way, that was a problem, because I was such a bitch at the time, I had lost some respect for him for accepting my crap, when I knew I was being horrible.  He really, really loved me and said so.   Often, verbally, and in the most amazing cards he'd write in.  Alot.  He was the safe one to take out my MS frustrations on, evidently.  I never doubted his feelings for me and he didn't play games with it like some did before him.  That was a novelty at the time.  There's been no one since then, like that.  I mean, there's been new love/relationships, but they've had their shady parts when it came to making sure I KNEW without a doubt that I was loved, and that there would be no games being played with it. 

The downfall for me was when he made a decision FOR me regarding moving to California with him or not.  I said I would, and he said he wouldn't take me away from all that I knew here in Idaho.  My support system.  This was before some moved away and before a couple of my closest friends screwed me out of the house, left me with humongous power bill, etc., and I actually had more than one friend.  There was Lurt and Bisa, Bathy, Biffie, Biana,  TC, Bindy and neighbors.  (Yes, I disquised names.  I really don't have a friend named Lurt)  My son, and SweetieGirl.  But I had one condition... if I were to move with him, he had to be able to give me my Avonex shot... after all, if I WAS going to leave my support system, he needed to prove to me he could be my support system.  Too heavy a load for one person, I now know, btw.  He has a monster needle phobia and simply couldn't.  I saw it as "wouldn't" at the time, so my heart was cold, cause did I mention I was a bitch? 

Suddenly he left for California on the same weekend I had my very best friend from Spokane coming in, whom I hadn't seen in years.  He had a little daughter in California whom he needed to be around.  Lucky he did, because her mother died a couple of months later.  But due to misunderstandings, we didn't see each other that weekend or really get to say good-bye or discuss what his moving away meant for our relationship.  And then we petered out.  Poof.

We've kept in touch tho.  When I needed money for tires one year, he gave it to me.  When I needed money for the plane ticket, he gave it to me.  When I was down there, he must have spent another million dollars on me, because I sure didn't spend much while I was down there.  I don't have much to spend in the first place, and he seemed to make sure it was his mission that I didn't.  (I did buy my mother, sister, niece, and aide a little somethings for taking care of my dogs tho.  And my own California ID.  Cause if I'd let Ben buy my California ID, that would have meant I'd belong to him, and we can't have that).

We can't have that because he drives me crazy.  It's true.  And I'm sure I drive him crazy, but I'm more adorable than he is, so it's more tolerable on his part.  Right?  Of course right.  But because of the way we "split" up, it's always felt like we've had unfinished business.  And I'm a big one for finishing business.   On this trip, we came to the mutual conclusion that we'd kill each other if we ever spent more than 7 days together.  We came to this at about day 4.  We had so much fun, tho, and were so comfortable and easy with each other.  And I'm sure it's just cause of the way we are, but also for me, it was because I knew the sexual factor had been taken out of it. 

Because I'm famous for not hating my ex's, some may presume that we would ... as the kids say these days... "hook up".  But I had let Ben know that I wasn't going to sleep with him if that's what he was thinking.  I thought he might still have "love" feelings for me (cause I'm that memorable, ahem) and since I knew I didn't LOVE love him, it wouldn't be a good idea.  I also have another, private reason why I wouldn't, but hey, that's private.  I do have some boundaries, Internet.  Or should I say... secrets?)  I felt the need to tell Ben no hanky panky between us, because in my mind, there's always a price to pay for the company of a man.  Normally, the man spending money on me is the one I'm in a relationship with, so it hasn't been much of a problem.  Let me make it clear - it's my perception that I "owe" a man somehow, if he spends money on me - Ben did not/does not give me that impression.  It's just my own garbage, born out of... many reasons, but that's a whole nother post.   

So my point is?  What a friend I have in Ben.  It's really touching to me, and really important to me to have had such fun with a man, and to have had so much money spent on me... knowing that sex didn't factor into it.  Even tho I felt guilty as hell for how much money he spent, it didn't make me feel guilty enough to sleep with him.  If I HAD slept with him?  It would have been purely because I WANTED to, not because I felt like I owed him something.  It's an important lesson, ladies.  Thank you, Sir Ben. 

When I asked why he spent all the money on me, his response was "Because I could". 

Last nite when he called to rub it in about the Rice Krispie Treats, we both admitted to missing each other just a tad, and it was depressing to be alone, and that I was expensive, and he's not sure he got over a 90% on his final, which he didn't study for because I was there, and that maybe 6 days would have been just about right. 

Now that all that mush mush is out of the way, I must continue on my diarreatic honesty, and admit that I must not have felt all THAT guilty because I ASKED him to buy me this:

A soft fleece blanket, which is the only item of fabric that did not get vomited or shitted on this last weekend.  Aren't I charming?   Comfort blankie.  Yum. 

And then there's this:

Ben loved this bag.  It's his teams colors.  Whoever that team is, I don't remember.  I was too busy drooling over the bag and thinking of the possibilities.  But you'll notice, despite his love, it's sitting on MY couch. 

I begged, and begged for him to give me this bag.  Everyone who knows me, knows I am a Bag Lady.  I love bags.  Not fancy designer bags, but just bags.  My son called me a bag lady and it stuck.  But look it!  The top compartment held my pills, fingernail polish, sewing kit, matches, etc.  .

This held the lip balms, breathe refreshers, nice and handy, no?.

The third compartment held the serious stuff.  Shampoos, nail files, lotions, tampons, etc.  The stuff you don't really need to use on a airplane..

Then there was the 2 side zippered pockets that held my Palm, and voice recorder, and flat items like mini pads, band-aids, hand wipes, etc.  The front pockets held my ticket stuff, my reading glasses SO HANDY, and a magnifying glass for when I forgot my glasses were up on my head. 

This little bag combined about 4-5 little bags that were stored here and there on the trip down.  Did I mention how security at airports now requires all gels and liquids to be put in a zip lock bag and kept out where they can see it?  Was quite a pain on the first time thru.  But on the way home?  Pure bliss.  ALL items were in this one small bag, and I was able to grab the zip lock, and pull the offending bomb-like items immediately and become all correct and all, and security liked me on the way home. 

For this bag alone, I would have slept with him.  But don't tell him that. 

. 

Grounding

You many wonder

why it is I care for you -

a man who shows me strength

a man who startles me with understanding

and urges my Goddess from her sedentary security.

You are my connection to the Divine

like a keeper of wonder wisdom

and I request your mentoring,

and you tell me that

you get something

from me

too.

You took me to the rocks

and I learned to ground myself

and where to find my own strength.

We sat together, breathing in and out

somehow becoming one with each other

and with something greater than us.

The something greater than us

truly was greater than us

and I no longer had need

to become one

in the traditional way.

We watched the sun go down

while I heard the Indian flutes

and we vowed to come back again

when the moon was full. 

Many weeks later -

I came to visit

coincidently, the moon was full.

I wondered if you would remember

as I stood at your door

with the moon

behind me. 

When you answered the door,

I pointed wordlessly

at the rising moon,

and you said

"Let's go". 

. 

"Just" Laurie? (Updated)

Last nite, SanFranMan, in a bit of alcohol induced fantasy, asked me to check on his dad in the next room.  I knew he was remembering his dad, but I was sooo surprised how fast the tears came to my eyes, wishing I really could step into the next room to check on his dad.  I wanted to so badly. 

That was really a good time in my life, despite us breaking up during that time, and the ugly family (his) shit that happened. 

In the past, I've hit him (SFM) over the head with not over-thanking me to death, putting me up on a pedestal for taking care of Jorge.  They gave me the car, which was far too much, but to me, that sealed the deal.  I kept saying taking care of him was good for me too, so it wasn't like I was some sort of saint for doing it.  I felt uncomfortable to all the thanks he gave me, as well as some members of his family. 

But now I feel different. 

Not that I think I'm a saint.  But taking care of Jorge was one of the most rewarding things I've done.  Besides Jacob, it was a soul-learning time for me, and one I'll always remember.  It was hard, it was scary, it was draining.  But I did it for him, because he needed it, and no one else could do it.  And my best friend needed me to help her take care of her dad.  And I did it because I loved SanFranMan, and he needed his mind at rest regarding his dad, since he couldn't be there himself, either. 

So it's okay to remember me as the one who took care of his dad after all.  It was important, what I did, and I was good at it.  It came at a time when I most needed to learn that I was useful after all, that even with MS, I was still good at something.  So he just better remember it. 

When I was in San Francisco last, we were talking about something, and I don't even remember what it was.  But the phrase came from his mouth "Yea, but you're Laurie" and I heard it as "just Laurie".  It wasn't an insult, because it was in the frame of him knowing I accept him as he is, where someone else might not, if they knew everything I know?  That he doesn't have to hide parts of him from me. 

I'm not "just Laurie" tho.  I'm ready to claim that it was really a special and great thing to take care of his dad.

Another thing.  After we broke up, he had told his sister that he wouldn't have "made it without her", meaning me, during that time when his wife kidnapped his kids to the East Coast, and while his dad was dying.  I have spent some months resenting "being used", and then dumped on my ass, but for some reason, all of a sudden one day, I thought to myself, "He's right".  Falling in love with me took him away from the misery of his real life.  I've never seen anyone be in such pain as he was, when his kids were taken.  It's not something he planned on doing, and if there was a willing diversion to take his mind off his living hell... then it would be easy to fall into. 

The only problem that still rankles is the deception that took place before the break-up.  That still dirties up the experience, and will always create doubt about future interactions, but maybe that's a lession I deserved...for falling in love with a married man.   

Oh, wouldn't he like that free pass?  Hmmm.  Not on your life, baby.  Dishonesty still makes me want to throw up. 

He damn well better always remember, and keep a tiny part of his heart open to towards me. 

Cause I'm gonna need his help unloading the U-Haul when I move down there...

.

Men are just... confusing

I talked to a friend last nite for a long time, and I feel all put together again.  Amazing how just being able to talk about everything, and feeling understood and being understanding can heal the spirit some.  When he and I can talk like that, I fall in love all over again.

Something he kept saying tho, breaks my heart.  He was semi-seeing someone, but put the brakes on, "because he has nothing to offer a girl", because of the state of his life is pretty chaotic.  But in my mind, life doesn't have to be all neat and clean in order to 'present' it to someone to accept.  Love is accepting it now, as it is, and working together for a future, and nothing will ever be all neat and clean all the time, but at least you get to come home to someone who loves you, and go to bed and wake up in the morning to do it all over again.  If you can laugh together, then it'll work.  Because I love him, it makes me sad that he won't allow himself to get happy. 

Come to think of it, someone else once told me the same thing.  Maybe the white picket fence is more important to men than it is to women.  I always believed in building it together. 

Men.  Such assholes. 

Cept for the one who just gave me his credit card number....   :-)

.

His Semi-Annual Call

Originally posted January 10, 2006

This is my entry for Blogging for Books, something new I think I'll do every month.  This month we write about "Ex". 

My ex-husband called me up a couple days ago for a dinner date, and since he says I'm still the classiest woman he knows, of course I still get along with him, so I agreed.  He tends to call around the first of each year, and around our wedding anniversary later on in September. 

So I'm sitting here, reminiscing about our past.  We will laugh and smile and hug, catching each other up on my kid and his kid, and I will do my best to not remember he chose alcohol instead of me.  But then I have to remember that it was I who gave the ultimatum, after 2 years of me going to counseling to learn how to "detach", so I tend to respect him for finally being honest, and I could choose to quit banging my head against that wall.  Which I did.  Cause I just wasn't up to beating my head against the other walls, painted with the words "Cocaine", "Gone constantly so I was a single parent to my kid and his kid" and "Money quit being enough to put up with this life". 

There was another wall painted with "He cheated on me when I was in another state arranging my brother's funeral at Christmas time", but I didn't know it till after the divorce so it was kind of moot.  I did feel cheated out of my right to be righteously wronged, dammit.  I had to play it cool when "she" let the secret out.  About 6 months after the divorce, I had dropped by his place to drop off some pictures I'd found of his son, and there was one of his parties going on.  A girl emerged out of the pot-laden haze and asked me to take her on a beer run, since everyone there was drunk already and they were running out.  Sure.  No problem.  As she put 10 cases on the counter, I commented that he must be paying for it. 

She gushed "oh yesss, I get all the money I want out of him, he's such a sweetheart, giggle giggle!" 

Ahhh, I thought to myself, this must be the new girlfriend cause that's how he showed love... by showering me with cash, cause he'd feel guilty about the drinking, and he would also be able to say "But honey, I do love you, what do you have to complain about?  Didn't I just give you $500.00 and tell you to go buy yourself something nice?  You really can't be complaining, can you?".  Well yes, sweetie, but the money I invested in ummmm... "toys" didn't keep me warm at nite, nor did they entice him to play with me since he was in a drunken stupor most of the time.  If you know what I mean.  Wink Wink. 

Me to her: Oh how nice to meet you then, I'm his ex-wife.  Said perfectly sweetly, I swear, cause I was sooo over him.  Really, no kidding.  Or so I thought. 

Her to me:  Oh I know all about you giggle giggle.

Me to her:  Oh really, when did you meet him? 

Cause I thought if it was recent, the stories about me were probably not very kind towards me cause he tended to ummmm... exaggerate some.

Her to me:  Oh I met him two years ago giggle giggle, at Christmas time giggle giggle.  I hate to admit it giggle giggle, but I slept with him on our first date. 

She said some more things, but my ears had fogged over. 

Ohhhh reallllllly, I thought coolly.  Cool, cause I didn't react any.  Cause I'm cool that way.  Okay, never mind.  I lied. 

Me to her:  Two years ago, at Christmas time?  When I was out of town attending my brother's funeral?  When we were still married? 

Her to me:  OH!  I forgot about that giggle giggle.  Talk about putting my foot in my mouth giggle giggle. 

Me to her:  Yes, giggle giggle. 

Then I promptly burst into tears.  Cause I'm cool that way. 

As I continued to contemplate our past, I also will forget the fact that he became a millionaire AFTER our divorce, it slips my mind entirely.  Asshole.  But we DO get alone, I swear.  Ha!  My typo "alone" should have been "along", but I think I"ll let it stand cause it's probably some sort of Freudian Slip, I'm sure.  I'm famous for leaving my Freudian Slips up, cause they must mean something, and someday I'll give the list of them to my therapist, and let her figure it out.  I'm too busy figuring out how I got MS. 

So ten or twelve years later, and Thank God for time, cause it makes me remember him fondly.

He to me:  Can we go out to dinner next Friday nite?  Talk over old times, my classy ex-wife?  Whom I never should have left?

Me to him:  There you go again, re-writing history.  I left you, remember? 

I refrain from giggling cause I'm cool that way, but I want to, cause his line is about 10 - 12 years old. 

He to me:  Oh yea, have you realized what a mistake you made yet?

I laugh, cause he's so funny.  And I'm now fond of him.

Him to me:  Well, last time we had dinner you seemed to be joining the club cause you were staggering around like a real drunk. 

Me to him:  That was MS, you asshole.  Laughing cause I'm cool that way, and he's so funny.  And he knew better.  And he wishes.  Cause then we could get back to loving each other again, and slaughter ourselves on the golden brick road of mutual states of denial, running away from the real world.  And boy howdy does he get a kick out of my recent pot smoking ways, and I have to keep reminding him I do it for MS pain, I don't enjoy it, I swear.  And I HAVE to inhale, thankyouverymuch.  And boy howdy do I find it ironic, that when I need a supplier... he's quit his reefer days, cause it makes him forget things.  Like jobs.  And boy howdy do I find it hard not to say "I told you so".  Which I so do anyways, cause I'm cool that way. 

Me to him:  Shall I drive?

He to me:  Of course. 

Me to him:  Some things never change, huh?  Laughing cause I am fond of him.  But you know what it means really? 

He was always really good about not drinking and driving, so I ALWAYS drove. 

I don't find that frustrating anymore.  But what does irritate me?  The fact that he's ruined me by going on and on how classy I am, and how much he respects me blah blah blah, and so I can't take the damn money he always tries to give me.  Cause he's an asshole that way. 

.

Listen to me, it's my turn to talk

A Chat of Great Import

McShadow: Boy howdy do I need to talk to you. HUGE INSIGHTS going on about the aura stuff etc. But just had the worst MS episode ever, which seems to open me up to that stuff, but I'm so stressed and scattered I can't possibly talk about it. I'm blogging about it and it all makes sense that way, so I'll be sure to send it to you when I'm done. Give me a couple of days maybe even 3 or 4. But damn I wish I had your hands on me now. Don't take that sexual or horniness - it's that energy you have.

McShadow: Not to mention that HUGE INSIGHTS have caused me to believe I could support myself with my blog - am formatting a business plan in the midst of this chaos.

Hmmm, he must not be there.  Which pisses me off, cause it seems like he never sees my messages when they end up being 'offlines'. (They are supposed to pop up when you log in to the chat screen)

Me: Plus Jeffrey is facing possible belly surgery cause he ate part of a corn of the cob, and Muttin has something wrong with her paw and would require sedation for the vet to figure it out. Just their policy when working on paws cause they're so sensitive. So I'm just a bit scatter-brained at the moment.

ReikiMan: Hey
He: I'm reading.  Remember the book you gave me............
He: Bringers of the Dawn?

What the heck?  Is he not reading the above?

Ohhh, I'm typing like like the speed demon I am, and our messages aren't coming out in the right order.  Cause I'm fast and he's slow... yea, that's it.

He: I became interested in it again

He:  and ordered two more by the same author

He: some insights huh?

He:  concerning people you know??

He:  life?

He:  political events?

Me: people I see living here and on the street

He: OK

Me: what do you mean by "same author"?

Obviously I was still confused.  And still upset he was talking about some damn book when I was going thru such traumatic things MUCH more important than a book.  Even if I did give it to him!

So he copy and pastes a repeat of comment he had already said.  I had missed it, so caught up in typing what I wanted to talk about.  And he brought up the book - his way of telling me we're on the same page as far as subject matter.  Me - auras, he - end of the world stuff. 

He:  I think this country, and maybe the world...... are headed for some really strange events

He: in the Very near future

Me: so about Jeffrey...?  (Keeping it real, and all about me, thank you very much)

He: yes
He: I'm sorry to hear it

Me: you better be more than sorry to hear it, as far as I'm concerned

He:  Well, he will be fine
He:  just really sore for a few days
He:  and you will have to be careful with his diet
He: so what is your plan as to business?

Me:  business plan is to focus on doing my blog differently than all the rest of them out there
Me: there is one lady who's been able to support her family with her blog

He:  yep
He:  you told me

Me:  and her husband was able to
Me:  huh? When?
Me:  I just thought of it today! I couldn't have told you

He:  you actually you told me about a woman who did that.......
He:  months ago

Oh.  What a progressive thinker I am!  Even way back then, it was brewing in my brain...yea, that's it. 

Me: her husband was able to quit his very well paid computer programming job so he could pursue something he loved to do
Me:  I intend on doing the same thing in the dog world of blogging. 

He:  OK
He:  well,........... sounds like a good plan
He:  how do you market a blog?
He: get paid for it?

Me: her focus on her blog is her family, her post partum depression (sharing that daily struggle is what brought her the readers, cause they'd Google post partum depression, and since she blogged about it most every day, her blog came up on top

He:   He: 

He:                       He:                                                                                                                                                                                                            He: 

He:                                           He:                                                                                                                                                        
Me: hush you can see i'm typing can't you?  So stop it. 
Me: her blog came up on top all the time, nd they clicked on it
Me: wah lah - they got hooked on her story, and she's much better now, blah blah blah, the rest is history and she's famous. 

He: Ok
He: well........my question was...... how do you get paid for it??  Market it?? I don't blog. 

Me: advertisers paid attention to how many comments she got
Me: how many hits her page got
Me: so they ask her if they can advertise on her site   

He:  OK            

He: gotcha

Me: so one the sidebar of her blog there are ads - that you can or don't click on -

He: yep

Me: it doesn't really detract from her blog, unless you have an anal hatred of advertising

He:  yep, well I do............
He:  And then?
He:  so how do your perceptions (my huge and manic insights along with aura stuff) tie in with blog?

Me:  The hook is other people with MS will Google MS, and find me on top, cause I'm gonna post ALOT, and have things like "How to pick up money when you can't stand to touch anything Tips on it.  The other hook is for dog lovers.  Who's dog is cuter.  Contest!  Bring it on!

He:                              He: 

He:     He: 

He:                   He:                  He: 

Me:  I'm. Still. Talking. 

Me:  today, for the first time, I told some strangers about it, and they wanted the address so they could see it. They met my dogs in real life and wanted to see what I wrote about them, cause they're so damn cute. You yourself know how cute they are.  The cutest.  Aren't they.  I had my dogs with me, so they were hooked.  Maybe.  I hope. 

Yes, walk about town, meet my dogs, hand out business cards with blog address on it.  First, Rigby, Idaho, population 3,000.  Next, San Francisco, population three quarters of a million.  Next... the world!  All via Sir Internet, my new best friend!!!

He:  Ok........ so your impressions don't directly connect with your blog.......except they will contribute to the content in some way?

Me:  yes
Me:  damn you're good
Me:  I never dreamed I'd actually be able to say all this - and it's fairly cognitively making sense isn't it?

He:  yep

Me:  I have a even grander plan but it will require someone who knows how to put a software program together - something the blogging world might kill for. 

Me: damn
Me:  I am in awe of myself right now, lemme tell ya

He:  I think you're on speed..........

Me:  no shit
Me:  It's like a high
Me:  I haven't slept since Friday morning (it was now Sunday nite)
Me:  One of the first clues I was in a flare-up?

He:  yes?

Me:  I woke up at 10am Friday morning

He:  what, you haven't slept since Fri morn?

Me:  WAIT

He:  yikes

Me:  let me finish with this thought before I lose it
Me:  I woke up at 10am Friday morning (unusual as hell in itself, normal is 7am) walked outside to pee the dogs, and my pajama bottoms were out on the patio....

He:  (silence)... (which is my favorite position).

Me:  the ONLY possibility is that I must have woke up in the nite to take them outside, and I took them off

Me:  okay I am done.

He:  You silly..........
He:  now that did not connect with the rest of your story, Laurie HARVEY

Yes it did!  I don't know how, but it did.  ALL this stuff came up cause I'm in this flare-up from hell.  All the aura stuff and brilliant brain stuff, suddenly figuring out things I've been trying to figure out for months.  Punctuation, my camera, etc.  Hmpph.  Obviously, he isn't listening. 

Me:  I need permission to blog this conversation cause I just clarified the whole thing in a nutshell, and my version would have been MUCH longer.
Me:  minus the bizness plan details of course

He:  can you strip out who I am?

Me:  I call you ReikiMan in the blog. Would you rather I pretend you're someone else?  That I'm having this conversation with Joe Blow? 

He:  Whatever.............doesn't matter..... as long as people don't know who I really am

Me:  of course

He:  okey doke

Me:  : thank you very much

Me:  you've always understand the aura stuff

He:  back to reading............relaxing................sleep........... Yes. We do have a special connection in that way

Me:  I mean, understanding it, along with understanding business plan type stuff.  You were the right person to talk to.

He:  maybe on a mulitdimensional level

Me:  easy to talk to I mean, and being able to understand it instantly.  Before I forget what I'm saying.  There's a guy here who's into it but it's hard to talk to him.  He takes 15 minutes to get to his point

He:  Laurie...... sometimes a catalyst is nice....... but its all there.......Inside YOU

Me:  and I don't have patience enough to listen that long!

He:  me neither

Me:  I know that now about it being inside me

He:  You know of course..................that although you have MS in this dimensional reality.......
you don't in others...and what you do in this one affects all the others too

Me:  oh my goodness that is so true. I hadn't reached that awareness yet, but I know y're right

He:  We're connected to much much more than most people realize. Most people are walking around asleep thats one reason our country and the world too is so screwed up

Me:  Another thing I've done in the last 2 days is learn

Me:  how to operate all the million options on my 500.00 digital camera

Me:  I suddenly understand punctuation in the most minute detail

Me: and I learned how to operate my voice recorder all of a sudden, after trying to figure it out for months too, just like my camera

He:  I should get me a digital but I sure like to Pentax

Me:  they are so damn handy.  Takes grea photos, if there's something you need to document at work, like some sort of accident, take a picture to help your case.  A digital is just point and shoot. You don't have to take the time to operate the camera.  Sooo handy that way

Me:  mine has a anti shake feature (that i just learned about) meaning if if I"m a bit shak, it'll stabilize it a bit

He:  yep, I know.  Ok......... I'm gone

Me:  See you another time   

He:  still going to SF?

Me:  I still am planning on it, but the whole Jeffrey thing is freaking me out

He:  yep.  well..............................if you don't, you can use the ticket another time.  Just pay the fee to use it another time

Me:  if I believed the universe... would this be a message that I'm not supposed to go...

He:  depends on how it goes with Jeffrey.  and it depends on what your innards are saying to you

Me:  Goodnite, I'm serious this time.  Not another word

He:  Thats what you have to listen to.  LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.........there are a few times I wished I had.........

Me:  This is the ReikiMan that I love, and I haven't seen him in a VERY long time, and that in itself is kinda sad

He:  Nooooooooo I've been here all along.  But at times........... our state of being didn't connect

Me:  oh for heavens sake you have an answer for everything, don't you?

He:  hmmmmmm

Me:  I KNOW you're right.  I just hate it when you are....

He:  Only in my mind. I'm a legend in my own mind....

Me:  Nite

He:  Nite

.

.

Thank you for buying my plane ticket, even tho I know you think I'm insane for moving there. 

But deep down, it was meant to be, cause you bought me this shirt back in our time together (and now it fits!  It was too small before!!), but it has a heart on it.  Hearts + San Francisco = Where I belong. 

I think. 

If cable costs more than 150.00 a month - I'm screwed. 

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I See Dead People...

Conversation with my sister.  She mentioned someone with cancer cells, which reminded me.  The gist:

Me:  For the last several weeks/months maybe, whenever prostate cancer is mentioned in the press, SanFranMan immediately jumps into my head.  Not just in passing, not anyone else, not just because I care about him.  I care about someone else too, but he doesn't jump into my head.  I get like a hot flash going thru me...

She's nodding her head, saying the appropriate uh oh's and taking it appropriately seriously. 

She:  Have you told him?

Me:  No.  We don't talk that much anymore. 

Me:  Blah blah blah.

She:  Blah blah blah back.

Me:  Oh, and Jorge had prostate cancer.  But I don't remember if his kids knew about it or not.  And it was one of those things that Jorge told me that he didn't want anyone to know.  (The 5 other kids who weren't around at all). 

She:  Ohhhhhh. 

Boy, she's just a river of insight, isn't she?

Me:  There were other things he didn't want me to tell anyone, but I could never tell if he was serious or not, or didn't realize that we already knew whatever it was he didn't want us to know.  Sometimes it felt like he was confessing, and if I did tell, he'd smite me from heaven. 

She:  Does SanFranMan have respect for your 'seeing' thing?

I have visions.  Believe I've astral traveled 4 times.  See auras around people.  See people.  Have predicted things all of my life - people behavior mostly.  Or else I'm crazy.  ReikiMan believes I have a gift.  I believe I might, but it scares me so I don't delve into it too much.  He believes in my Tarot Card reading, but I sometimes think it's rigged, but then I'd have to say I'm the one doing the rigging, and I know I'm not.  So.  There's that.  Criminy, not only am I having hot flash vibes, but now I'm starting to feel silly, blabbing on about this that embarrasses me.  I'm more comfortable talking about sex, or Jeffrey's anal glands than this.

Me:  No, he doesn't.  Doesn't believe in it.  Thinks its silly.

Her:  Ohhh.  Hmmm.

Me:  ReikiMan believes in it.  And in me having it. 

He's the one who triggered actual concious acknowledge of it, cause when I met him the first time?  Saw bright blue and yellow aura's around him.

Me:  But I don't think ReikiMan would give a damn or be impressed about one of my 'feelings' regarding SanFranMan....

She:  Yes, probably not.  Hahahaha 

.

. 

Happy Birthday SanFranMan

Today is SanFranMan's birthday.  Happy Birthday, dear man. 

Now, let's talk about synchronicity.  I tend to believe it means something. 

Main Entry: syn·chro·nic·i·ty
Pronunciation: "si[ng]-kr&-'ni-s&-tE, sin-
Function: noun
1 : the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality -- used especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung. 

On Thursday, when I mailed his present to him, I didn't have a box at home to put it in.  I hoped the post office would.  They did.  This was the only one. 

 

I had to go back home cause I forgot his address.  So of course I had to take a picture cause it's a Heart Thing. 

Then today, as I walked down the little alleyway to turn on the water, this was laying on the ground. 

The only person that's been back there lately is the guy whose painting the building...

If you look closely on the grass blades, you can see the blue color he's using.

So.  Synchronicity.  Hearts to SanFranMan, formerly LoverMan, today's his birthday. 

But wait.  It doesn't stop there. 

There's always a puzzle going in the lobby, but I rarely pay attention.  But today,  I sat down to work on it, cause I needed to listen to my wash in the laundry room, which is next to the lobby.  I was washing 2 heavy rugs, and knew they would get unbalanced during the spin cycle.  Since it's frowned upon to wash non-clothing, I figured I better stay close.  Hence, the puzzle.  It was almost done.  A heart puzzle with heart-shaped pieces.  Which I finished, by the way.  Okay, I had help.  Because I became obsessed with taking a picture of it.  BUT.  I held out a heart-shaped piece till the last, so I could be the one to finish it. 

I bet you think it ends there.  I, for one, am feeling kinda spooked. 

After the wash was done, I took the dogs out.  They sunned themselves.  Even they wish SanFranMan a happy birthday...Muttin's foot made some of the bark slide down, and it made a heart even as I watched.  FAA REEKY

I shit you not.  I'm thinking we need to go to Vegas.  To gamble.  Or get married.  Or at least a lottery ticket.  Far be it from me to screw with synchronicity.  Ah... speaking of which...It's time for a visit.  I'm just say'n. 

I need to lighten the mood here, so here's this, LoverMan...

:-)

Happy Birthday, love you and all that. 

49 is Fine. 

.

Ohhhh Bennnnn...

...Do click on the picture to get the full effect...

Okay.  Fine.  I'll address it. 

Ben's little comment:  "what, no NASCAR update? whats the latest spin....oops, sorry."

Just a little play on words it was, cause Jeff Gordon got spun out in the 4th or 5th lap before the end.  He was running 4th at the time, and ended up in 21st instead. 

Here it is.  I kinda doubt he'll get fined.  Truex was laps down, and had no business trying to race Gordon.  He should have gotten out of the way.  I can't remember the umm other incidents, so it wouldn't be fair to comment...

I don't think this is the good kind of heart palpitations...

Is there someone is your life whom, when you hear  or read the med heads of advice telling you when you're spose to have this or that test for the prostrate, colon, breast or whatever it may be ... do you immediately think of that person, absolutely convinced that he/she has got to go get that test I M M E D I A T E L Y, because you love them so much, you hate the idea of them not being in your life because you didn't press upon them how important they are to you and you don't want to take any chances on losing them? 

I do. 

It's not easy when you hardly talk to him , tho.  And even tho he's spose to be out of my heart, I couldn't stand it if he wasn't in the world. 

Don't. Want. To. Think. About. It. 

.

The Power of the Toothbrush?

Back when I was young and foolish, when a man left his toothbrush in my toothbrush holder, it meant he was coming back. 

I threw his toothbrush away today. 

But I'm still sleeping in his big, purple t-shirt. 

.

I'm having a day already

• Yesterday I:

Woke up at 7:15am.  Took pills at 8am.  "Take pillbox 1".  For the first time in a week, I can use " " without wondering if it's correct or not.  The pillbox does SAY it.  Out loud.  Honest. 

Check the Magic Money Account on line.  Yes.  The money the government gives me for having MS is there.

Read emails.  SanFranMan cussing himself for telling his kids big fun travel plans, when someone hadn't paid him big money on Monday like they were supposed to.  Kids disappointed.  Emailed him back.... did he forget I still had $1000.00 of his from the estate money?  No response.

Went to physical therapy.  Went to Curves.  Bought batteries for camera.  Came home.  Checked email to see if he'd responded yet.  Nope.  Made a list of things to do.

Left house, walked down long hall.  Forgot list.  Came back.  Decided to clean kitchen cause I hate coming home to a messy house.  Left.  Forgot list again.  Came back.  Couldn't stand shorts, so changed them.  Left.  Forgot fucking list.  Came back.  Printed list, and checked email.  No response.  I wanted to hear from him, cause I was going to bank and didn't want to come home, only to see an email from him, asking me to deposit his money in his account.  Left.  Forgot list on kitchen counter.  Came back.  Evidently I'm showing the universe that altho exercise helps MS physically, cognitively it does shit. 

And can I just remind you of my hallway? 

Finally, I left the parking lot with list in hand. 

• Deposit lap counting checks
• Deposit RamTouch money???
• Transfer $$$ to checking
• Letter to Rachael
• Dog Treats at Wal-Hell
• Mental Health assessment at 1pm
• Chicken Chicken Chicken
• Laser hair at 2:10pm
• Pay cable
• Pay cell phone
• Appointment with new doctor 6:30pm
• Pick up meds from pharmacy

Great list, yes?  Cept who the hell is Rachael?

And how clever of me to write 'chicken' 3 separate times.  I did need 3 bags of chicken, but really. 

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