Me 'n My Laptop

Permanent move

I've made the move permanent.  Goodbye TypePad, hello Blogger.  I've sent the note requesting a refund, and after they receive it, I won't be able to make changes in this blog.  It'll fade away eventually, altho it won't disappear completely.  Kind of a weird sensation. 

Please find me at:

Me 'n My Laptop

http://livingwmultiplesclerosis.blogspot.com

Please come over! 

Don't forget to change your bookmarks.

This is me at Blogher in ... SAN FRANCISCO!!!

Loved Sizzle's idea - I'm about to go to a conference with 999 other people.  I am but a tadpole in the blogging world.  Not even a tadpole.  I'm just a gleam in the daddy frog's eye.

1. I bought new bras for this conference.  The straps don't slip.  This is BIG.  I mean, this is big news, not big boobs, unfortunately.
2. I love San Francisco with the passionate passion of a thousand suns.  I'm trying to move there.  For so many reasons. 
3. Due to an unreasonable fit of temper, I quit my TypePad blog, and started a new one with Blogger.  Which resulted in the longest URL in the history of Blogville.  I think it would be kinder to provide the link, Me 'n My Laptop, rather than show it on this page.  There's only so much room.  This also caused a big problem with getting my cards on time, but it is done.  I paid extra for fast shipping - 7 to 14 days.  They got here in THREE days.  I want my money back.
4. I blog about daily life with 4 pets, having Multiple Sclerosis, pretending I don't have MS, and daily pictures of the pets.  I'll get on that "daily" any day now.  I also take pictures of Volkswagon Bugs, and Hearts.
5. Some of my readers seem to believe my dogs can talk.  I have no idea why they think this. 
6. My Halfway Honey bought me my first laptop, cause he didn't want me to be the only one at a blogging conference without a laptop.  I will be the one tearing my hair out cause Vista doesn't act much like Windows ME at all. 
7. He's also paying for my private room.  See why I like San Francisco?  He lives there.
8. He's not the reason I want to move.  Prepare for some sick sick love for a city that's gonna drop into the ocean when the BIG ONE hits.  Oddly, I want to experience an earthquake.  Told you it's sick. 
9. I'm coloring my gray roots for this conference, and then I'm gonna let it go gray.  My younger sister has gorgeous gray hair, and mine will look the same.  Only better. 
10. I love my dogs.  Walking them got me healthy again.  Not walking them has got me over-weight again.  Damn dogs. 
11. I live in a tiny 4 room apartment.  Kitchen, living room, bedroom and bathroom.  I have 2 dogs, Muttin/Jeff, and 2 cats Barf 'n Hiney.  I have to be nice to the mean landlord because she lets me have all four. 

This is me.  Pre-Teeth.  I photo-chopped the Christmas tree hanging on the wall behind me.  The dogs won't be with me at Blogher08 in SAN FRANCISCO, so I may not stand out in the crowd of 1000 bloggers, but I'll work on shining the gleam in the daddy frog's eye.

However... I will be bringing my secret boyfriend ... it's time our secret was brought out in the open.  We'll be available for pictures. 

*

I think I may not be normal

As I roam around the Internet, reading about everyone's preparations for Blogher, I began to feel... weird. 

The newbie's are worried they won't fit in, or find someone to be friends with, or that they'll be ignored, and unnoticed.  EVERYONE is worried about what to wear, and the shoes - dear god, the shoes.  And packing.  No one's started packing yet. 

Hmmm.  I'm a newbie. I was excited about meeting up with Greenish Lady, but her mother died, so she had to fly back home to Ireland for the funeral. So sorry, Imelda.

I'm packed.  I've got travel down to an art.  I could care less about the clothes.  And the shoes?  Am I really spose to care so much about shoes?  What is wrong with me that I don't care about shoes?  Well, maybe that one is a no-brainer, since there's no way I can wear anything but water shoes or flat sandals.  Or Crocs.

No, I'd be too scared to wear Crocs, cause Dooce HATES them.  The whole sordid story is here.  It's not pretty. 

I can't afford to stay at the pricey hotel that they booked for us Bloghers.  I can't afford the drinking and drinking that everyone talks (brags???) about, and I probably shouldn't drink cause of my meds.  I would of course like to meet bloggers, specially the ones I read everyday, but I'm mostly going for inspiration and learning.  I really hope it's not just one big party, but it's really hard to see past all the partying because that's all anyone is talking about.  That and not being packed yet. 

I probably should get to coloring my gray roots, but really ... I'm not really caring if it gets done or not. 

I'm beginning to feel like I'm not gonna fit in cause I was not giving a damn whether I fit in or not.  I think I'm ... unfeminine or something.

Shut up. 

*
In other news, I've still got edges of nausea going on, but the new medication really helps.  I'm debating whether to take my walker or not - sure comes in handy at the airport, don't have rent one of those luggage carts. 

I'm so so tired tho. 

*

Vertigo, get thee out of my house

My current hellth status has been upgraded from wanting to shoot myself to "Feeling Human".

I hate writing about what I go thru MS-wise, because it makes people worry, and there's nothing anyone can do to make it better. So they feel helpless and I feel guilty for making them feel bad. There's a fine line in communicating and I haven't found it yet. Maybe I should make up a list of "10 Things Not to Say to Me when I have MS". Cause sometimes I don't have it, ya know.

The other day, I wrote about some symptoms that were going on, and the Blogher volunteer wrangler had read my blog, and emailed me to ask if I was still planning on being a volunteer to help at the convention. I felt ... invaded! I felt spied on. I felt "found out". How STUPID is that? I write on a public blog for hell's sake! But it's true - in order to be treated "normally", I hide how I'm feeling as much as possible cause I hate the way people change towards me. Don't overly care about me. There's a lady here where I live who's taken me on as a personal project. If I don't answer the door or the phone, she walks around to my living room window, pulling aside the curtain to "check on me". To me, not answering the door or phone, and having my curtains drawn, means I want to be left alone. To her, it means I've fallen and can't get up, or I've swallowed all the pills. I HATE it, but at the same time, I understand her concern, so I walk a fine line between wringing her neck and saying thank you for caring. I just don't know where the line is.

I don't want to make my mother cry, or make my sister worry. It just adds an extra burden to whatever I'm already going thru, but at the same time, writing is the only thing I can do as an outlet to the MS hell I'm going thru at the time. Because I do isolate myself when in a flare-up, writing for the blog is an outreach of sorts, one that I can tolerate and not feel so alone. There's nothing anyone can do to make it better, and that's more acceptable via online - of course no one can do anything to help, because everyone online lives inside the screen and can't have any contact with me. It's easier to accept the concern online because I know I can take it at my own pace. Typing is easier than talking to anyone.

That's not to say that I don't want to hear from real life friends and family. Not at all. I do appreciate it being expressed thru the blog and emails, rather than in person. The isolation isn't a bad thing. It's a regrouping of energy, and resting and yes, hiding. It doesn't help to say I shouldn't be ashamed of my disease, that I can't help what's going on. I know that in my head, but reality is - I do feel that way, and I HATE it, therefore, a part of me hates myself for having it. It is stupid and wrong, but that's how it is. I've been diagnosed for 8 years now, and it hasn't changed. I've survived and reached the positive side of the death of a child, and sexual abuse. It's not like I don't know how or haven't experienced how to heal mental or emotional trauma. MS is the hell that keeps on giving. It keeps me constantly scared of losing more function. I feel like there's an evil Stephen King clown living inside me, laughing at how he can make me feel like a drunken idiot who can't talk or pee right. It's a force inside that tricks me on a constant basis. An evil trickster who hates me for some reason.

Yea, I need counseling. Don't think I haven't tried. I know how. It hasn't worked. I don't have a "healthy attitude" about having a chronic and progressive disease. I'm not one of those inspiring people, rising above the disease. I am sucker punched by flare-ups, and I resent the hell out of it.

So when Sizzle read that I was not doing well, I resented being "found out". Like I said - ridiculous. I've worked a little bit here and there in the last 8 years, and have learned not to say anything about MS to potential "employers". I know for a fact that I haven't been hired a couple of times because someone within the organization knew I had MS. I am very careful about committing to anything that requires my physical presence. I know I could handle a part-time job, but I would have to have a boss who understood that I can't show up some days, and maybe for several days. The perfect job would be some sort of data entry - something I could do from home during the bad days. I haven't found such a job or such a boss. As much as I want to work, NEED to work, I just can't in good conscience commit to a job where I couldn't promise to show up everyday that I'm spose to. My workaround for the need to feel worthwhile is to volunteer where I can, help old ladies in wheelchairs and take care of old men who need Hospice.

There is still some sort of denial going on, because I literally thought I would show up at Blogher, and no one would know I have MS, and everything could be normal. I saw it as an escape from those who know I have it. Is that not the craziest thing you ever heard? A BLOGGER convention, and I have a public blog. Even I am astounded at the level of denial I evidently have.

This last flare-up was the scariest by far. I couldn't swallow, and if I said more than 2 sentences sometimes, I couldn't breathe right because my throat got numb, and the choking and gagging would shut me up. Turning my head make me dizzy and nauseous. I can't for the life of me figure out how to spell "nausea". Vomit. Vertigo. I spent at least 36 hours in my chair, unable to tolerate standing up. I don't remember peeing, but I wasn't drinking anything either. The heat may have set it off, but there were 2 good fans going, and keeping the curtains closed helped quite a bit. I was actually chilled for 2 days, but in mortal fear of over-heating, I kept the fans on high, wore a tank top, and a light, airy skirt. The air flow was quite cooling, but I was getting worse instead of better. Cooling down normally helps, so this was frightening. My family wanted to buy me an air conditioner, but on some level, I knew it wouldn't help, altho that makes no sense at all. I didn't want to seem ungrateful, but I didn't want to waste their money either.

What finally turned the corner? Because I was chilled, I finally put on a long sleeve t-shirt and turned the fans away from blowing directly on me. Almost immediately, I felt better. The AIR was hurting me. The air that was keeping me cool to the point of being chilled - was hurting me.

Like I said ... Evil Trickster. Not only does it not make sense, it's just really rotten unfair to not know what will help cause it's just an evil clown making fun of me. I hate IT.

In checking Dr. Google for the symptoms of Vertigo, I am stunned to learn that I could have gone to the doctor for medication that helps the Vertigo symptoms. Stunned because EVERYONE who saw me told me I should go to the doctor, and I had SUCH a fatalistic attitude, irritated by the very suggestion, saying there wasn't anything a doctor could do, it was just another symptom of MS. My instinct that it felt like an inner ear thing going on was correct. I didn't realize that not being able to taste could also be a symptom. The dizziness has dissipated somewhat, but food still seems disgusting. The swallowing is better, but still there. I'm disheartened to see that I've had almost all of the symptoms listed on this page. It's upsetting to me to realize my mindset sabotages my health. It just never occurred to me that I should have gone to the doctor.

I have something to say to my loved ones about living or not living with MS, but that's another post. It'll take more bravery than I have at the moment.

GRRR

Naturally, AFTER finally ordering my new business cards, with my new blog addresses and having to pay extra to get them on time, or risk having to pay almost 4 times as much in shipping charges if I waited longer - I think I understand what happened with TypePad.  Course, it took them taking me back to the "old" version, where I discovered I could do all I wanted to do after all.  And it's mostly me finally putting all the pieces of the puzzle together and not their stellar communication skills, but hey, nothing is perfect. 

The new changes coincided with me being added as a beta tester for new changes.  My understanding in doing so was to test new changes and give them feedback.  I responded to the new changes positively in regards to things the average user were not seeing yet.  But it got complicated in that I responded negatively to the changes that were rolled out to everyone.  I did not know that by being a beta user, I would LOSE features while they ironed things out.  And they weren't clear about explaining the things I was complaining about were a result of me being a beta user.  Those reasons, as well as my browser taking another generation step back into being obsolete have conspired to add a balding head to my spastic existence.  Not pretty.

So.  There's that. 

I do have to say, tho, that using Blogger is sooooo much easier than TypePad.  So much more intuitive, it just makes sense, and soo much less clicking of the damn mouse!  You KNOW how exhausting that is, that mouse clicking.  I am super pleased and WILL be leaving TypePad for reals.  I no dummy - the price of free can't be beat.  The ONLY thing they don't have

For the next couple of weeks, I'll be over-lapping posts to both blogs, until I complete the transfer.  I'll let you know when I make the final goodbye here.  I need to clean this site up a bit cause it'll float in Cyberspace forever and ever, and I can't stand to have my categories in such a mess! 

I am feeling somewhat better, but I tire really easy, and am taking it slow so I'll be able to go to Blogher next week.  The thing that is helping me be better?  The oddest thing ever, but that's another post. 

*

Leaving TypePad

TypePad was nice to me back in May, when I needed an extension of service of a few days before I could pay my bill.  They let me keep the blog open, and I really, really appreciated it. 

Having said that, I now have to say how unhappy I have been since the new changes rolled out a month ago.  They've taken away the Search function, which I used ALOT.  I pay for the service to have the ability to have up to 3 blogs.  I spend days designing 2 additional blogs, to introduce in time for the Blogher, only to have the changes not work.  I waited two weeks, hoping they'd get the bugs worked out, only to find out that the ability to have different banners for each blog taken away.  Stands to reason that one would want an appropriate banner for the specified content of the blog, one would think. 

In making their changes, to "take TypePad forward", they''ve gone backwards by taking BIG features away.  The changes weren't big enough to warrant taking away BIG features.

Not only that, but it's taking more than a day and a half to respond to help questions, AND they haven't updated their Knowledge Base, where you can find the answers yourself, to reflect the changes.  I spent DAY AND DAYS trying to figure out why certain things I had done the day before were suddenly not working, only to discover that that my older version of browser no longer worked with TypePad.  Seems like that could have been mentioned somewhere.  I tend to blame myself when something doesn't work, figuring the MS took my brain away, and so the frustration level was extreme.  The laptop has Vista, which would work, but I'm having a hard time learning it, and a hard time with the touchpad (rather than using the mouse) (not complaining!!!), so when I want to accomplish something, it's just easier to use

I left my original blog with Blogger because they didn't offer the ability to be emailed when comments came in, which meant going back to previous posts to see if anyone commented. 

In the last 3 years, Blogger has added tons of new features, including the ability to have different banners for each blog, and the email notification of comments.  And they managed to keep their Search function while doing so!  Every single thing I can do with TypePad (or used to be able to do), paying 80.00 some bucks to do so - Blogger can do for free.  I've been teaching myself CSS/HTML, which Blogger also allows for free, where I'd have to pay even more for that option with TypePad.  As far as I'm concerned, Blogger is a win/win.  More like a win/win/win/win. 

So I'm moving.  Still not to San Francisco, but hey.  At least it's cheaper.  The new address is http://livingwmultiplesclerosis.blogspot.com or Me 'n My Laptop.  I'll spend the next few days transferring my better posts to the new one.  Not the best time to move to a new blog, so close to Blogher, but I can't stand it anymore.  Be sure to bookmark it, and it'd be GREAT if you'd comment, so I know you survived the crossing. 

*

Clarification

Correction of my mis-statement.  SonOne didn't ask me to make cookies.  I asked him before he got here, during the 2-3 day reprieve of feeling somewhat better, what kind of cookies he wanted.  I was gonna make them Friday nite, when it was cooler, while they were at the fireworks.  Cept I fell asleep for several hours before, woke up, took the dogs out and discovered it was cooler.  Started remembering past 4th of July's, where our town doubles in population size because they're touted as the best fireworks this side of Mississippi.  I happen to love the hype and the crowds, so I decided to meet up with them at the river. 

He left his friends to meet up with me to watch the fireworks with me.  Surprisingly, but maybe not, cause this disease is so f*cking unpredictable, I was "okay" - able to walk surprisingly well for the most part.  But that in itself is one of my problems.  I feel like a fraud to even myself, because, it makes no sense how one minute I can be normal, and the next minute, be spinning out of control.  Sometimes, it feels like it has got to be all in my head, I have to be making it up, because it's so ridiculous.  I don't care that it's normal for MS - it's not normal to people who don't have it, and it's not normal to ME. 

He made breakfast the next morning.  That nite, when they came home at 2am something, I was in the midst of a wanting to vomit episode, and dizzy as hell, and there was no hiding it.  I had given up on the cookie making cause of the heat, and when I started making breakfast the next morning, he offered to do it, but I ignored him.  He offered to make the cookies, but I said I wanted to - it's important to me, even tho he tells me I don't need to.  But you can bet he certainly did bake the cookies, after my pre-heating the oven turned into a fire gone bad situation.  And he hugged me when I cried about it. 

He did tell me once that I think "it's all about me".  I'm not sure what he meant by that, whether it was about the MS, or everything in general.  I do tend to be the center of attention in a crowd, or the one that communicates excruciatingly clearly about what I'm feeling or thinking to the nth degree or the one trying to "help" the other person recognize their true feelings, so I use my own experiences as an example, (which I was taught was the fastest way to get the clients in a support group to relate, and it would trigger their own discussions or memories).  He also tends to be the center of attention with his friends, but I don't see that as a negative - I only wish I was as hilarious and quick-witted funny as he is. 

But the point is ... with him, I am extra-sensitive to my MS.  I was the big strong single mother in his growing up years.  The first couple of years of the diagnosis, he was supposed to move to Connecticut to be with his girlfriend, SweetieGirl, but he stayed with me.  She told me she thought it was because he didn't want to leave me.  When I told him that it wasn't his job to take care of me, that oddly enough, Idaho would be paying for my housing and my meds ... I would be better off than it would seem, and losing my house was a blessing in disguise.  I think it was 2 weeks later he told me he was moving to Connecticut. 

I got over the sensitivity of the "it's all about me" remark.  I'm proud of the people in the various support groups that were able to tell their story, because I told mine.  I'm proud of my intuitiveness when it comes to people.  I'm proud of how "right" I usually turn out to be, but maybe not so proud of how it would come across sometimes - "if you would just listen to me dammit, your problems would be over" frustration/attitude.  Oddly, the women related and were grateful.  I have the thank-you notes, and emails and job recognition awards to prove it.  But the males in my life, son included, didn't appreciate my knowledge!  I haven't decided if it's because I was stupid about males, expecting them to be more like the women, or that the males species just doesn't "get it".  Snort.

But I HATED the feeling, and would continue to hate it if I felt he was taking care of me at his own expense ever again.  I would hate me not at least making the effort to do what I want to do when it comes to doing things for him.  Because that's what I want.  Not what he's asking from me or expecting anything from me. 

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to MS, and so far, he's smart enough not to argue with me about it.  Smart boy, that. 

A Prayer of sorts

It's the heat that's making me so sick. 

Been nauseous going on a week now. 

A week ago, last Friday, I spent on the bathroom floor,

too weak to get up,

after throwing up a whole teaspoon of stomach acid. 

Barf, uncharacteristically, was winding himself around my legs,

jumping up on bathroom sink, to meow plaintively in my face.

Pulled the towels out of the cabinet

and made a pillow.  Fell asleep on the floor,

Barf sleeping next to my head. 

Wasn't till a couple days later I got the irony ...

Me feeling barfy, Barf taking care of me,

acting more like a service dog - worried about me. 

Was finally feeling somewhat human the last 3ish days. 

Weak as a kitten but human.

Tonite, it's 88 degrees outside. 

Started a crockpot of chili about an hour ago.

Frying hamburger. 

Washing a sink of dishes - hot water. 

And the nasousa is back full force, with a vengenence. 

Sick, dizzy, like vertigo, I think it is. 

SonOne asked for some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. 

I put the 2 big fans blowing in the kitchen.

Mixed the shortening, eggs, sugar. 

Had to stop. 

Sat on a stool in the middle of the kitchen,

both fans blowing on me.

Gagging.  Can't stop gagging, choking on my own saliva,

the numbness that lives constantly in my feet and hands

has moved up to my throat. 

Have lived in dread of the numbness

moving up to my breathing parts. 

Lungs.  Throat. 

Am terrified to turn on the fucking oven for the cookies.

Don't want SonOne to see me like this

but I absolutely cannot get up off the stool.

If I do manage, the nausea hits again, the dizzy. 

On top of all this?

Can't keep the pain pills down. 

I'm scared and alone,

knowing he will be home

unless he and his friends,

drink too much, then he will stay in town. 

Can't believe I'm hoping he drinks too much

so they'll spend the nite with the friends. 

His girlfriend hasn't seen me in full-blown flare,

and I'm so embarrassed for her to see. 

I want to be the strong mother

that I used to be. 

I'm torn between needing help,

but not wanting him to see me like this,

but wanting to make the cookies for him -

a mom wanting to do something motherly

for him - cause I miss him so much,

and we've had such a hard time lately.

Crawl to the computer to write this,

feeling my hands turn to stone. 

If there's a God ... God help me I can't live like this.