Clarification

Correction of my mis-statement.  SonOne didn't ask me to make cookies.  I asked him before he got here, during the 2-3 day reprieve of feeling somewhat better, what kind of cookies he wanted.  I was gonna make them Friday nite, when it was cooler, while they were at the fireworks.  Cept I fell asleep for several hours before, woke up, took the dogs out and discovered it was cooler.  Started remembering past 4th of July's, where our town doubles in population size because they're touted as the best fireworks this side of Mississippi.  I happen to love the hype and the crowds, so I decided to meet up with them at the river. 

He left his friends to meet up with me to watch the fireworks with me.  Surprisingly, but maybe not, cause this disease is so f*cking unpredictable, I was "okay" - able to walk surprisingly well for the most part.  But that in itself is one of my problems.  I feel like a fraud to even myself, because, it makes no sense how one minute I can be normal, and the next minute, be spinning out of control.  Sometimes, it feels like it has got to be all in my head, I have to be making it up, because it's so ridiculous.  I don't care that it's normal for MS - it's not normal to people who don't have it, and it's not normal to ME. 

He made breakfast the next morning.  That nite, when they came home at 2am something, I was in the midst of a wanting to vomit episode, and dizzy as hell, and there was no hiding it.  I had given up on the cookie making cause of the heat, and when I started making breakfast the next morning, he offered to do it, but I ignored him.  He offered to make the cookies, but I said I wanted to - it's important to me, even tho he tells me I don't need to.  But you can bet he certainly did bake the cookies, after my pre-heating the oven turned into a fire gone bad situation.  And he hugged me when I cried about it. 

He did tell me once that I think "it's all about me".  I'm not sure what he meant by that, whether it was about the MS, or everything in general.  I do tend to be the center of attention in a crowd, or the one that communicates excruciatingly clearly about what I'm feeling or thinking to the nth degree or the one trying to "help" the other person recognize their true feelings, so I use my own experiences as an example, (which I was taught was the fastest way to get the clients in a support group to relate, and it would trigger their own discussions or memories).  He also tends to be the center of attention with his friends, but I don't see that as a negative - I only wish I was as hilarious and quick-witted funny as he is. 

But the point is ... with him, I am extra-sensitive to my MS.  I was the big strong single mother in his growing up years.  The first couple of years of the diagnosis, he was supposed to move to Connecticut to be with his girlfriend, SweetieGirl, but he stayed with me.  She told me she thought it was because he didn't want to leave me.  When I told him that it wasn't his job to take care of me, that oddly enough, Idaho would be paying for my housing and my meds ... I would be better off than it would seem, and losing my house was a blessing in disguise.  I think it was 2 weeks later he told me he was moving to Connecticut. 

I got over the sensitivity of the "it's all about me" remark.  I'm proud of the people in the various support groups that were able to tell their story, because I told mine.  I'm proud of my intuitiveness when it comes to people.  I'm proud of how "right" I usually turn out to be, but maybe not so proud of how it would come across sometimes - "if you would just listen to me dammit, your problems would be over" frustration/attitude.  Oddly, the women related and were grateful.  I have the thank-you notes, and emails and job recognition awards to prove it.  But the males in my life, son included, didn't appreciate my knowledge!  I haven't decided if it's because I was stupid about males, expecting them to be more like the women, or that the males species just doesn't "get it".  Snort.

But I HATED the feeling, and would continue to hate it if I felt he was taking care of me at his own expense ever again.  I would hate me not at least making the effort to do what I want to do when it comes to doing things for him.  Because that's what I want.  Not what he's asking from me or expecting anything from me. 

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to MS, and so far, he's smart enough not to argue with me about it.  Smart boy, that. 

Comments

[charmingdriver]

Ugh, men in all their forms, sons, husbands, boyfriends, nephews, co-workers continually defy everything I KNOW to be true of human nature/interaction. No clue why being defiant/in denial about it seems to help them through life.