The 'Exercise' Talk

Remember how I was worried about Dooce coming by and thinking I was copying her regarding the dogs?  Well, today, her daily photo of Chuck, she had a box of Pop-Tarts balancing on his head.  And I realized that I can say without a doubt, with a clear conscience, that I have never and will never make the dogs balance things on their heads.  I swear. 

I have been guilty of putting barrettes in Muttin's hair/head, but it only made her more attractive to Jeffrey, and it lead to some doggie hanky-panky.  We can't have that, specially around Duke.  I don't think he knows he has a penis, cause he pays absolutely no attention to it.  Which is actually nice.  More social, shall I say. 

They both have mullets.  Maybe I can do something with that.  But moving on, I have an important discussion to have with the dogs. 

Me:  Everybody, come here. 

Duke:  Do I need my tennis ball?  I'll go get it, it's right there.

Muttin:  You and your damn tennis ball!  I'm getting sick of it. 

Me:  Hush, Muttin, it's his pacifier.  He'll hold still with that in his mouth, and maybe actually listen. 

Muttin:  (mocking him) Duke's a baabee, Dukie is a baabee, nah nah nah naahh.

Jeffrey:  Shut up, Muttin.  You're so mean sometimes. 

Me:  Thanks, Jeff.  Everybody shut up.  I've got important news. 

Muttin, Jeff, & Duke:  (they shut up)

Me:  I'm about rock your world. 

Me:  Things are gonna change around here.

Me:  Things as you know it will be gone.

Muttin:  Anytime soon?  I've got to get back to making molasses. 

Me:  There's a new schedule in town, boys. 

Muttin:  Scuse me?

Me:  There's a new schedule in town, guys.

Muttin:  Whatever.

Me:  There's a new schedule in town, kids.

Duke:  Can I keep my tennis ball?

Me:  Yes, of course.  You're the one who's going to have the harder time adjusting to it, cause you're so smart and know what the routine is, and it's gonna change. 

Muttin:  If he's so smart, wouldn't that make it EASIER for him to adjust?  Even tho he's such a bayyyy beeee. 

Me:  Maybe so.  Now be quiet.  Be like Jeffrey.  You should make that a motto, Mutt.  Kinda like "What Would Jesus Do?"... you can do the WWJD thing too, only make the J into Jeffrey.  "What Would Jeffrey Do".  And right now, Jeffrey is sitting politely and quietly.  I'll buy you the bracelet.

Duke:  Look at me me me me me.  I'm holding still. 

Me:  Yes, you are.  You're a goooood dog.  Cept you're chewing on that ball, and it's the last one we have.  Don't wanna do that, do you?

Duke:  (gasps)  No more tennis balls?????  (As he spits out the ball and it rolls towards me, which makes him think I'm spose to start the Indoor Fetching Game).

Muttin:  Duke's a bayyyybeee. 

Me:  (Deep sigh.  Do I even remember what I needed to talk about?)

Me:  (Looking at Duke with wonder in my face.  He's got the tennis ball back, and it's in his mouth .... but he's NOT chewing on it....)

Me:  Okay, guys.  I have been inspired by 'Mom to the Screaming Masses' to get back to exercising.  Her post about excuses spoke to me.  (just call me Blog Whisperer).  And the only way I am going to do it, is to do it first thing out of bed. 

Jeffrey:  Uh oh.  This isn't gonna be good.  We have to pee.  You know when you tinkle, it triggers my need to pee first thing in the morning. 

Me:  I know, I've thought of that.  But if you guys pee first, it will trigger my need to ... uh... tinkle.... cute.  Hmmmmm...

Muttin:  (snort)

Me:  Okay, so let's face it.  I'm the human, so I get to pee first.  Jeffrey, you just stay in bed till I'm done, and you won't hear me. 

Jeffrey:  Good idea.  Consider it done.  Every morning, consider it done. 

Me:  I know you're all used to me peeing, then you peeing, coming back in, feeding Duke, and then go our Hour Morning Time.  Yes, Duke, with the tennis ball. 

Muttin:  So what's the deal?  The sooner we hear exactly what changes that are going to impact our little, unimportant lives, the sooner we can vote on it. 

Me:  (Laughs)  Sorry, no vote this time.  I'm the Human, you're the dogs, no vote - so sayeth I. 

Muttin:  What?  (in a screeching tone that rises too high for my ears)

Duke:  I vote we get more tennis balls. 

Me:  (heavy sigh)  (deep breath)   (another deep breath) 

Muttin:  Are you meditating all of a sudden?  Kinda a waste of my time if you are.  I could be sleeping.  Instead, I'm watching you breathe funny. 

Me:  OKAY, I'M GOING TO GO WALKING/WORKOUT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING AND I'M GOING WITHOUT YOU!

Silence.  I'd venture to say it's even dead silence as Muttin does the head twist like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, no green vomit yet, and Duke looks at a magpie, whom he thinks is trying to get the tennis ball.  They both avoid looking at me, but Jeffrey gives me a shocked ears look. 

Mutt:  Uhhhh how's that gonna work?  That is not right.  We ALWAYS go outside when you walk.  I don't like this one bit, and this is surely a vote-worthy issue. 

Me:  That's just the point.  It doesn't work.  For me.   I can't really walk fast enough with 3 of you, so I'm going without you first thing in the morning.  When I come bac... (she interrupts me)  Muttin:  That is pretttty selfish, if you ask me.  Which you didn'... (I interrupt her)    Me:  Hush!  Truth to tell, I NEED a break away from you guys!  Lookit me ... we're so enmeshed I write a blog with you guys talking in it!  That's crazy stuff.  I could be put away for this!  I NEED a break from all of you.  We'll all be the better for it, if I have some time to myself. 

Jeffrey:  I know, I bet we get to go walking when she comes back? 

Muttin:  You'll have to stop writing in the blog. 

Duke:  Can the tennis ball stay with me?

Me:  DUKE YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY WITH THAT DAMN TENNIS BALL! 

Duke:  (ducks his head)

Muttin:  (stares defiantely at me)

Me:  See why I need a break from you guys?  Ever since Dukie came, it's been ALL about you guys.  I can't leave town when I want to cause finding babysitters is like pulling teeth.  Duke begs and begs me to go out 4 time s a day, and I have to throw that damn ball for half an hour.  Sometimes longer.  I worry about going anywhere cause you guys have to pee. When we go for walks, every one of you pulls on the leash.  Duke's about knocked me over.   When I let you off the leash, one of you tends to run away if I don't pay CONSTANT attention to a certain dog.  I won't name names ...

Muttin:  ...So it's Duke's fault?  First you quit watching us ... "forage" as you put it - I would call it paying attention to us, and now our routine gets screwed up.  He's a pain in the ass. 

Duke:  You don't like throwing the tennis ball???  How can that be?  (incredulously)

Me: No, it's not Duke's fault.  I love Duke, he's a cool dog.  But he is high maintenance ... and I thought you and Jeffrey were high maintenance! 

Jeffrey:  You poor thing.   If WE (pointing his eyebrow at her secretly and I notice) are high maintenance, and Duke's higher maintenance, you must be tired. 

Me:  Bingo! 

Jeffrey:  But I'm right tho... right?  You'll take us after your alone time?

Me:  Right, buddy.  Only the morning routine will change.  I just wanted to give you guys the heads up, cause you're so used to getting your collars on, and going directly outside for foraging and tennis balling.  I don't want to feel guilty and look at your forlorn faces as I leave. 

Duke:  (muttering under his nose)  How can anybody not like tennis balls? 

Muttin:  (raises her eyebrow)  Tennis balling?  That sounds nasty.  (Said with the same sing-song voice as Duke is a baby) 

Me:  Not gonna go there, Mutt.  Let's wrap it up, I've got to load up pictures for today's blog. 

Mutt, Jeff, Duke:  Everybody goes their own way.  Muttin to the garden, Jeff to the wood steps for his sunspot and Duke?  Guess. 

Me:  (I trudge to the ball fetching spot).  (I notice how slim and trim he's become)  Oh that's right.  It's alright for you to lose weight, but I have to go work out with 72 tons of guilt on by back for leaving you guys behind.  It's this damn tennis ball fetching that's made you lose the weight, thank you very much. 

Duke:  Wanna trade spots? 

.

.

PS.  If this isn't foraging, I don't know what is.  She's eating pumpkin remains from last fall. 

.

Comments

[TC]

Good blog! You might want to also consider just taking one dog at a time. What a concept, huh? Or even two dogs and then Duke by himself so they all get personal, undivided attention from you on alternating days. Muttin, Muttin, Muttin. She's kinda selfish, isn't she? Tell Duke they do make more tennis balls. More can be had. No stress.

[MsShad]

I would most certainly do that, and have, but stopped because Jeffrey howls when he knows I'm out with another dog. According to the old people. He was a disturbance. And he wouldn't train out of it, either.

Ya know...seeing Muttin in print really does point out her bitchy side. Even I am surprised.

[Walls]

I think you did the right thing. And remember, dogs are the most lovely creatures because they are ALWAYS our friends. They'll get used to this in no time.

[carmen]

Get out there and walk. You can do it!

I think maybe you should take a walk with EACH dog.

Heeheehee.

[TC]

"out with another dog?"!!!!! Oh my. Jeffrey may need counseling. I believe you are entitled to go "out" with anyone you want!!! HHHEEEE HEEEE giggle, snicker, gasp

and .... ..... Muttin IS a bitch!!!! LOL giggle, heeeee heeee hhhaaaa ... I kill me!!!

[Goslings]

Looks like TC is missing the dogs too much. Withdrawal symptoms. Maybe she needs to babysit the dogs more.

[MsShad]

Gosling: Yes, I do think TC is missing the dogs alot. Methinks there may be a big opportunity coming up where we can remedy that.

[TC]

Back, back, back, I say! Take 'em back!!! Take back those words, Gosling. Take 'em back!

What big opportunity?

[Gosling]

I hereby take those words back, now that the damage is done. :D

[TC]

I am a rock. I am an island. Words cannot hurt me. :D I'm okay now.