Muttin barely spoke when my sister returned them to my house the other morning. She jumped around for a few moments, smiled a lot, but was pretty withdrawn and quiet. I told everyone to go back to sleep for awhile, and I'd give them a bath later on. It was then I heard the full story.
Muttin: We were kidnapped.
Me: You were?! When? By whom!?
Muttin: By your sister. She walked right in the door, grabbed our beds, put us on the leash, grabbed our frozen chicken and took us away.
Me: Well, yes. To her house, right?
Muttin: Snort. No, it wasn't a house, it was a room. With big white machines that made noises.
Me: That would have been her laundry room. You're not allowed in the rest of her house cause you both jump on the furniture, and Jeffrey pees on things in order to provide you with territory. But it's not like you were trapped in one tiny room forever. You had a pet door, so you could go in and out to the outdoors.
Muttin: We were kidnapped tho. We were supposed to stay home with SonOne. He came home to watch Duke, and you left instructions about how to take care of us on the refrigerator. But then SHE busted in the door, and TOOK us! It was kidnaptation, I tell ya.
Me: Well, actually, if you want to get technical, it would have been 'dog-napping', but you weren't kid or dog-napped, silly. I told her to take you, cause SonOne isn't that fond of you and Jeffrey.
Muttin: SHE threatened us.
Me: Oh really? With what?
Muttin: The washer. And the dryer. To toss us in if we didn't be perfectly quiet and lay still 23 hours out of 24.
Me: Muttin, you've been known to lie. Is Jeffrey going to say the same thing if I asked him?
Muttin: Of course he would - it happened.
Me: Jeffrey? Jeffrey. Jeff!
Jeffrey kept on snoring, but I suspect he was faking it.
Muttin: And I think she and her minions ate our chicken. I had to snarf mine down in order to get my share, and you know what a dainty eater I am.
Me: Oh yes, I know. If anyone can manage to be dainty while eating raw chicken - it's you. I did notice that the chicken is almost gone... wonder what that's all about?....
Muttin: Yes! See, I told you! She can't be trusted. First dog-napping, then chicken theft. She's worse than a weasel sneaking into the chicken house! She needs to be shot!
Me: And you need therapy. Crazy dog.
Muttin: Her dogs were trying to have sex on me. That's why we stink.
Me: Oh..... so THAT'S why you stink. I was beginning to think it might have been when you escaped her fence and maybe rolled in some cow poop?
Muttin: No such luck. And speaking of the fence... we could have froze to death out there in the big world because her fence let us out, but we couldn't get back in to get warm in that prison laundry room.
Me: Jeffrey! Wake up, Jeffrey.
Jeffrey: Whhhhat? Leave me out of this.
Me: I hear you escaped out the fence a couple of times.
Jeffrey: Well, the fence LET me out, and then I had to show Muttin where the fence was so kind. And I damn near froze to death the first time.
Me: Seems like you would have learned your lesson then, but you got out a second time?
Jeffrey: I had to mark and protect the premises! There's big dogs, wolves, fox/es, wolverines, and Tasmanian devils that needed to be told there was a new sheriff in town.
Me: Ah. I see. And I suppose your first arrest should be my sister, seeing as how she kid-napped you two, right?
Jeffrey: What? Where'd you get that idea?
Me: Ahem. Where do you think? I really think we need to call a counselor. Somebody in this room needs help.
Muttin: You're hopeless. (Looking at Jeffrey with scathing disdain) Have you no gumption? Sheriff, my ass.
Me: Muttin, it seems to me that you've got a little identity problem going on. From what I hear, from a reliable source, despite the fact that I do think she ate some of your chicken, you're a puss of a dog when you're at my sister's. Do her 2 big dogs intimidate you, hmmm?
Muttin: YOU try being the littlest dog in the pack! YOU try having a traitor for a brother! You try having sex done on you by two larger, stranger dogs whom you're supposed to be polite just because you're guests in their prison laundry room! And then at home, there's that big damn Duke dog, who's taking up so much of your time and energy.... YOU just try being me, sniff.
Me: (Alarmed. I've never seen Muttin cry) I'm sorry! You poor thing! I'll speak to my sister about the behavior of her dogs, and the fence for letting you out into the unsafe world. I mean, it was her duty to keep you guys safe, and you could have froze to death for hells sake! Not to mention stealing your dinner right out from under you! For all she knows, it could be the last chicken in the freezer. Sheesh, what was I thinking - me running off to have fun, sleep in, be in a warmer climate, not have to walk dogs at the asscrack of dawn. Shame on me!
Me: (Pointing to Jeffrey) And you! I think you should have focused your time on those two dogs inside the fence who were hassling your sister, rather than wolverines and such outside the fence. You let her down, Jeffrey Scott. What do you have to say for yourself?
Jeffrey: I'm sorry Muttin.
Me: Are we all happy now?
Muttin: Cancel that call to the counselor?
Me: Of course dear. What was I thinking?
.
Jacob Poems
No. Not at all. Muttin doesn't need a counselor. Except for the fact the one of the bigger dogs is female, fixed and not even interested in having sex with her. The other is male and fixed and probably tried anyway. Sorry, Muttin. I wasn't paying enough attention to keep him from humping you. Your own brother does it, how was I to know you didn't like it?
And the whole story???? Only I will ever know about the chicken issue!!! and I'm not telling. And, Muttin and Jeff, what about standing outside barking your brains out when the neighbor dog went whacko in the middle of the night? Did you tell Shad about that?? huh? Of course, not, you innocent little thing you. You became very quiet after I LOCKED you in at night. Didn't you? Yup. Seemed you got the message that barking at night wasn't good. But, Remember I did let you out in the morning and everything was fine. You bounced and were happy and everything. And what about jumping up on the hot tub lid? I didn't say a word about that, did I? No, I just let the two of you do it because ... you needed to be bigger for a while. I was nice.
And I completely deny the accusations about the washer and dryer. I did NOT threaten either of them with that. Never. In fact, I would have thought that the warmth when the dryer ran was a bonus. But No, the little ingrate.
Jeez. I'm defending myself against a dog. I need counseling.
Posted by: TC | Thursday, January 25, 2007 at 11:28 AM
Well, obviously they were protecting you from the neighbor's wacky dog!
Posted by: MsShad | Sunday, January 28, 2007 at 11:36 PM
The neighbor's wacky dog was tied up in their back yard. And as soon as I yelled at it (at 1:30 in the morning) it shut up, too.
Posted by: TC | Monday, January 29, 2007 at 09:22 AM