It's not about the song with rats in it

Two confessions. 

I finally unpacked this morning and found my flying information in my suitcase, instead of Ben's bookcase.

And I have those things that go in your ears to listen to music... I've forgotten what they're called.  But I borrowed them and they were in my purse for some reason, and now I feel bad for stealing them away from Ben. 

So here's the thing.  Someone not so eloquently brought this to my attention last nite, unknowingly reminding myself that I've been thinking about writing this, but have not due to depression and illness... now I'll write it.

As some of you know, Ben and I used to be an 'item'.  He was around when I was first getting diagnosed, and it wasn't a pretty time.  He lived in Twin Falls, and would drive the 3 hour drive to see me every weekend.  One weekend, he made the drive twice cause we got in a fight, and he came back to finish it, or make up, I don't remember.  I really don't remember alot of that time, and he seems to remember several rotten times, but I do remember that he seemed to really, really ... accept me?  In a way, that was a problem, because I was such a bitch at the time, I had lost some respect for him for accepting my crap, when I knew I was being horrible.  He really, really loved me and said so.   Often, verbally, and in the most amazing cards he'd write in.  Alot.  He was the safe one to take out my MS frustrations on, evidently.  I never doubted his feelings for me and he didn't play games with it like some did before him.  That was a novelty at the time.  There's been no one since then, like that.  I mean, there's been new love/relationships, but they've had their shady parts when it came to making sure I KNEW without a doubt that I was loved, and that there would be no games being played with it. 

The downfall for me was when he made a decision FOR me regarding moving to California with him or not.  I said I would, and he said he wouldn't take me away from all that I knew here in Idaho.  My support system.  This was before some moved away and before a couple of my closest friends screwed me out of the house, left me with humongous power bill, etc., and I actually had more than one friend.  There was Lurt and Bisa, Bathy, Biffie, Biana,  TC, Bindy and neighbors.  (Yes, I disquised names.  I really don't have a friend named Lurt)  My son, and SweetieGirl.  But I had one condition... if I were to move with him, he had to be able to give me my Avonex shot... after all, if I WAS going to leave my support system, he needed to prove to me he could be my support system.  Too heavy a load for one person, I now know, btw.  He has a monster needle phobia and simply couldn't.  I saw it as "wouldn't" at the time, so my heart was cold, cause did I mention I was a bitch? 

Suddenly he left for California on the same weekend I had my very best friend from Spokane coming in, whom I hadn't seen in years.  He had a little daughter in California whom he needed to be around.  Lucky he did, because her mother died a couple of months later.  But due to misunderstandings, we didn't see each other that weekend or really get to say good-bye or discuss what his moving away meant for our relationship.  And then we petered out.  Poof.

We've kept in touch tho.  When I needed money for tires one year, he gave it to me.  When I needed money for the plane ticket, he gave it to me.  When I was down there, he must have spent another million dollars on me, because I sure didn't spend much while I was down there.  I don't have much to spend in the first place, and he seemed to make sure it was his mission that I didn't.  (I did buy my mother, sister, niece, and aide a little somethings for taking care of my dogs tho.  And my own California ID.  Cause if I'd let Ben buy my California ID, that would have meant I'd belong to him, and we can't have that).

We can't have that because he drives me crazy.  It's true.  And I'm sure I drive him crazy, but I'm more adorable than he is, so it's more tolerable on his part.  Right?  Of course right.  But because of the way we "split" up, it's always felt like we've had unfinished business.  And I'm a big one for finishing business.   On this trip, we came to the mutual conclusion that we'd kill each other if we ever spent more than 7 days together.  We came to this at about day 4.  We had so much fun, tho, and were so comfortable and easy with each other.  And I'm sure it's just cause of the way we are, but also for me, it was because I knew the sexual factor had been taken out of it. 

Because I'm famous for not hating my ex's, some may presume that we would ... as the kids say these days... "hook up".  But I had let Ben know that I wasn't going to sleep with him if that's what he was thinking.  I thought he might still have "love" feelings for me (cause I'm that memorable, ahem) and since I knew I didn't LOVE love him, it wouldn't be a good idea.  I also have another, private reason why I wouldn't, but hey, that's private.  I do have some boundaries, Internet.  Or should I say... secrets?)  I felt the need to tell Ben no hanky panky between us, because in my mind, there's always a price to pay for the company of a man.  Normally, the man spending money on me is the one I'm in a relationship with, so it hasn't been much of a problem.  Let me make it clear - it's my perception that I "owe" a man somehow, if he spends money on me - Ben did not/does not give me that impression.  It's just my own garbage, born out of... many reasons, but that's a whole nother post.   

So my point is?  What a friend I have in Ben.  It's really touching to me, and really important to me to have had such fun with a man, and to have had so much money spent on me... knowing that sex didn't factor into it.  Even tho I felt guilty as hell for how much money he spent, it didn't make me feel guilty enough to sleep with him.  If I HAD slept with him?  It would have been purely because I WANTED to, not because I felt like I owed him something.  It's an important lesson, ladies.  Thank you, Sir Ben. 

When I asked why he spent all the money on me, his response was "Because I could". 

Last nite when he called to rub it in about the Rice Krispie Treats, we both admitted to missing each other just a tad, and it was depressing to be alone, and that I was expensive, and he's not sure he got over a 90% on his final, which he didn't study for because I was there, and that maybe 6 days would have been just about right. 

Now that all that mush mush is out of the way, I must continue on my diarreatic honesty, and admit that I must not have felt all THAT guilty because I ASKED him to buy me this:

A soft fleece blanket, which is the only item of fabric that did not get vomited or shitted on this last weekend.  Aren't I charming?   Comfort blankie.  Yum. 

And then there's this:

Ben loved this bag.  It's his teams colors.  Whoever that team is, I don't remember.  I was too busy drooling over the bag and thinking of the possibilities.  But you'll notice, despite his love, it's sitting on MY couch. 

I begged, and begged for him to give me this bag.  Everyone who knows me, knows I am a Bag Lady.  I love bags.  Not fancy designer bags, but just bags.  My son called me a bag lady and it stuck.  But look it!  The top compartment held my pills, fingernail polish, sewing kit, matches, etc.  .

This held the lip balms, breathe refreshers, nice and handy, no?.

The third compartment held the serious stuff.  Shampoos, nail files, lotions, tampons, etc.  The stuff you don't really need to use on a airplane..

Then there was the 2 side zippered pockets that held my Palm, and voice recorder, and flat items like mini pads, band-aids, hand wipes, etc.  The front pockets held my ticket stuff, my reading glasses SO HANDY, and a magnifying glass for when I forgot my glasses were up on my head. 

This little bag combined about 4-5 little bags that were stored here and there on the trip down.  Did I mention how security at airports now requires all gels and liquids to be put in a zip lock bag and kept out where they can see it?  Was quite a pain on the first time thru.  But on the way home?  Pure bliss.  ALL items were in this one small bag, and I was able to grab the zip lock, and pull the offending bomb-like items immediately and become all correct and all, and security liked me on the way home. 

For this bag alone, I would have slept with him.  But don't tell him that. 

. 

Comments

[Ben]

You know, I've spent 4 years building up this reputation of being a complete asshole, and noew you're going to spoil it!
I'll send you a response and you can choose to post it in your blog or not. but its late.
And those are Pittsburgh Steeler colors.
And I Am too adorable. Everyone loves me.
Dont they?

[TC]

Pittsburg Steelers? oh my. You may not be able to keep your reputation as an asshole, but you might be damned for all time for being a PS fan. Bad, bad, bad.