Gosling asked me how my MS was. I replied "perfect". Which is code for 'shitty'. Someone I used to chat with alot, in the olden days perfected the 'perfect' response. She used to read my old blog, not sure if she made the move to here.
For about the last 2 weeks, I've noticed a more severe rendition of a regular symptom. My balance. If I'm standing up, and turn my head, I lose my balance. My balance is always questionable, but this is ridiculous. You know how when you put on your pants or take them off, and somehow you get tangled up in a pant leg? Your body is going on automatic pilot, when suddenly a leg gets caught and the momentum causes you to pitch forward or sideways, trying to regain your balance.
That's how it feels to me just walking. Or standing. It's as if any one of my arms or legs get caught in a black hole of some sort, and clumsy I go. Another facet of this weirdness is if I walk toward something, be it person, place or thing... that person, place or thing jumps in front of me, and I'm suddenly having to avoid said person, place or thing. Place? you may be asking. One of the places would be the bathroom, and the toilet would be the thing. It's as if I'm expecting the toilet to trip me, so I over-compensate, jerking myself out of the way of the toilet's foot. Or the coffee table. Or the wall.
I bet if I described the above in one of the MS forums, they'd have a name for it. I'm thinking it has something to do with perception. Much like my brain tells me me there's a lead pipe laying across my lap or it's telling me I'm wearing Scarlet O'Hara's corset thingy and it's on so tight that I can't breathe, it's telling me the solid, inanimate objects are moving towards me and I better get out of the way. Or if I'm standing next to something, like the couch when I go to the side of it to open the blinds. I have to fight to stay upright, cause my body wants to fall on the couch. Walls are always in the way. Turning a corner becomes an obstacle course. You've seen how a gymnast 'bobbles' on the balance beam? It's as if every where I go, it's only four inches wide to walk on. I'm bobbling on a 4 foot wide hallway.
Which reminds me. Back in the beginning of MS, I was still living at my house. When it snowed, no one would shovel the sidewalk, so there ended up being a really narrow footpath that led out to the cars. The higher the snow on the edges of the footpath, the harder it was to walk for the above stated reasons. One memorable time... Ben was right behind me. As I started to lose my balance, he PUSHED me. Now... he may have a different story, but this is how I remember it. For some reason, it would have been too awkward to catch me from falling, and/or maybe if he had helped me, it would have brought him down on top of me. He's a big guy, and him being on top in the snow... well hell. So he PUSHED me. I'm not sure of the reasoning, really. It was as if we knew I was going to fall, so why not hurry it up and get it over with.
I think I laughed my head off, laying there in the snow. But when I tried to tell people about it, they didn't see the humor. I guess you had to be there.
That's how I feel these days. Somebody just push me and get it over with.
.
Jacob Poems
Eesh. That sucks. :(
Posted by: Gosling | Monday, June 05, 2006 at 10:50 AM
You poor thing...That can't be fun at all..I sometimes felt the same way sortta disconnected as though my car may scream off the road...
Makes no sense I know..but then, what does?
Posted by: Minerva | Monday, June 05, 2006 at 04:52 PM
hey, for the record, you didnt fall in the snow that day. that day, we were walking down the path, and for no reason at all, yu just stopped, and i just gave you a little help to get moving again.
the time you actually fell, i caught you before you hit the ground, without me pushing you. its all good though
Posted by: justben1 | Monday, June 05, 2006 at 06:24 PM
Dang it. So when did we laugh about it?
Posted by: MsShadow | Monday, June 05, 2006 at 06:54 PM
we laughed about it pretty much every time we talked about it. i just nudged you a little, and you were so shocked cause i would do somethign like that on the ice. im just in a hurry, you stopped, things in the universe need to go forward, not come to a grinding halt, you know?
Posted by: justben1 | Tuesday, June 06, 2006 at 09:44 PM
"Perfect" is related to "Fine." F****d up, irrational, neurotic, emotional. However, "perfect" is better for the fine physical problems.
Posted by: TC | Monday, June 12, 2006 at 03:44 PM