More about last nite.

Jorge started his restlessness around 10pm, but it wasn't till around midnite that I realized it was going to be a looonng ass nite. Earlier in the day, SanFranMan and I had talked about maybe kinda sorta chatting on the Yahoo later in the evening.  Not exactly set in concrete in other words. I turned on my Yahoo, and promptly forgot about it. Not one thought about it. Till midnite. The Witching Hour. When all of a sudden it MATTERED.

Mattered ALOT that he hadn't got on Yahoo chat with me. Because I was realizing it was gonna be a long, long nite with Jorge. Who just happens to be the father of said SanFranMan, formerly LoverMan, whom was SUPPOSED to chat with me that nite, thank you very much. So I text messaged his cell phone "Where are you? I need to talk".  I think that's what I said. I think... I may have also left a self-pitying little tidbit on his yahoo... something like "Guess you didn't want to talk to me after all". sniff. sigh. SOB.  Cept I may have left off the sniffing and sighing, which may have made the message seem a bit... terse.  Then I forgot about it. Figured I'd called too late and was over it.  Mostly cause I was too busy trying to keep Jorge in bed. I had better things to do than pine about our iron-clad, made in stone agreement to chat that nite via Yahoo chat thingy.

Oh wait. I think I mentioned either on the yahoo offline, or the cellphone voicemail that I was scared.

And I was.

There's nothing quite like being all alone with a little old man who's swatting at flies, petting kitties, pointing off into the horizon, waving, and eating invisible food with more gusto than he's ever eaten anything real that I've served him. When I asked him what he was eating, he said "It's time to pour the concrete".

When he stared intently off into space and would laugh as if listening to an inside joke with someone else, I felt left out. And then creeped out about feeling left out. I'd ask him what he was seeing, hoping for something profound for my reward. He answered.... I'm sure it was profound as hell, I just couldn't understand a word of it. 

A couple weeks ago, when he was perfectly coherent, he had been crushed when I had to tell him that some friends of his and his wife hadn't come to visit him.  He had asked me where they were, and I, confused, said huh?  He thought that his dead wife and a few of his friends had been there in his room earlier.  I remembered earlier walking in on him, and he had been talking to someone standing in the doorway of his bathroom and I definitely felt as if I were intruding.  It rose the hair on my neck and arms.  Then I realized that is one of the "symptoms" of accepting death... either hallucinating about loved ones already dead, or being visited by them in another realm. 

Then there was the dark, the lateness of the hour. And being by myself. And my BROKEN heart cause SanFranMan didn't get on Yahoo chat with me. I got the heebie jeebies somewhat. Alllll allllone in the big, bad world.... yup yup yup. 

Then!?  He text messaged back about 2:45 my time, I was relieved to hear a fellow human being. Even tho he put me on ice the last time he was here, I was glad to hear his voice. So calm and reassuring. It might surprise you all, but he can be somewhat exciteable sometimes, and by all rights, he'd have had a right to be, having received a "I'm scared" type of message from the woman who's taking care of his dying father. Specially considering when he did call back, I said "hi gotta go, I'm calling the Hospice Nurse, I'll call you back in a minute". Only, I said it more like "HigottagoI'mcallingtheHospiceNurst,I'llcallyoubackina minute".  All in one word, I'm sure.  But no, he was calm, cool and quiet. Cept for the part when he thought my text message asking "Where are you?" had the tone of snark and 'you cheating ass dog you sorta tone', but that was so not true. I know when I've been dumped and my man is a free agent.

No, the "Where are you?" tone was ALL about being alone and his dad was freaking me out, and the ONLY 2 times I've EVER called him or BFriend regarding their father, BOTH times no one has answered, and I'm all alone in the world in the middle of the nite where Jorge is eating pretend cheesecake and noone appreciates me type of a tone. Totally. I know. I'm perfectly flawed and I admit it.

So anyways, I just wanted to say that despite my potential meltdown, it was nice to hear SanFranMan's voice, while I waited for the nurse, and to talk till about 4am, about Terry Shiavo and the Pope dying, and I fell back in love, but only a tiny bit, but don't tell him cause he can be an ass.

That is all.

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