SanFranMan left this morning. We had a good time these last few days, after surviving the Most Disgusting Break-up ever. The pressure and angst of long distance love, not to mention the married man factor was off of us, so oddly, things felt easier these last few days, and I really LIKE him too, besides loving him. 

I keep finding things he left for me. His razor that vibrates. The shirt that he slept in last nite.  The shirt smells of him. Not that I care or anything...

When one is promised the world, coupled with sharing the same quirky-assed disease... well, I fell hard. Plus he made me laugh and forget I had MS. Which is a big deal. When I stumble and stagger, he just reaches out a hand, knowing and silent. Others always comment with inane remarks that I must consider responding to while needing my energy just to walk in a straight line. 

I understood the true meaning of making love when he and I did so.  I'm not much of a fantasy sort of person, always preferring "hands on".  Maybe because of the long distance, that part of my life had to make do and it flourished.  And honestly, his voice just does it for me.  And he was always so... frank and open about how much I turned him on... I loved the way he'd talked about being with me, and wanting to be with me.  He was the best lover, the most amazing lover, who made me want to do whatever he wanted me to, and how I could go on and on.  I think for the first time, I gave simply and completely, without reservation, just to make him happy, without expecting anything back... it was pure giving at it's best. 

But ironically, after saying all that, breaking up isn't so hard to do, after all. Is it because I'm 47 years old and cynical? Breaking up as a teenager, or when divorcing in my 20's, and again, in my 30's... oh my the pain. Poems and poems worth. Now? I almost feel nothing but cynical amusement. What a BOY CHILD he was/is.  Which is SO MUCH a part of his charm, ironically.  Maybe I kept my heart on hold, knowing he was married, and not making progress towards divorcing?  I don't think so, because how could I have felt so completely in love and so giving, all that I spoke of in the above paragraph, if I was holding back? 

When she didn't return from the east coast with the kids, after their summer vacation, he quit being the hopeful man with a vision for happiness in his future with me, to a man blind-sided with his children used as the weapons against him. 

Update8 months later, after visiting him in San Francisco....as it turns out, there was a bit more to story of why he wanted to break up.  He started up another fantasy in his mind and moved away from the one he gave me.  Funny how the truth will always come out, 8 months later, but hey.  Long distance was just too hard on both of us.  He had trust issues, and I had lonely issues, making me more and more insecure and clingy.  The more he wouldn't tell me the truth, the more crazy I got, and it showed.  Conflict, when truth would have been so much better on me. 

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