What was said on Oprah today, confirmed my deep belief that I gathered during my recovery process - Oprah's show said it better than I ever could.
If you don't deal with the past, the past stays in your present and re-enacts itself in your behavior, your relationships, and/or in your child/children. You will do this unconsciously, and then your child will pass on the dysfunction caused by your dysfunction ... along with your original dysfunction. Maybe you deal with your past pain by being addicted to painkillers. Your child may grow up determined not to by like you, but lo and behold ... she's addicted to shopping or people-pleasing.
Also, we seek out partners who display the same characteristics of the past dysfunction because that is the most comfortable. Again, we do this unconsciously. We unconsciously seek the partners most unhealthy for us in order to heal our lives in some sick, twisted unconscious sort of way.
I've given this example many times as a result of personal experience. Several women in my various support groups would lament "why oh why is my 13, 14, 15 year old daughter pregnant?" They would wonder this, even tho they were there to work out issues such as giving up a baby to adoption (and keeping it a secret). Or dealing with having an abortion (and keeping it a secret). Or finding out their mother had given up a sibling for adoption (thereby living with a secret).
I've often thought that the expression "What goes around, comes around" is expressed far too lightly. It's often said when somebody deserves to be punished somehow. The most recent example I can think of is about the guy in Austria who held his daughter in a basement hideaway for 24 years, raping her and producing 7 children with her. I read a comment board where someone said "What goes around comes around", and that he should be put in prison, where the other prisoners will bestow oh him what he did to his daughter for 24 years.
Because we repeat our pasts unconsciously, of course "what goes around, comes around".
When we fall in love, the first flush of love and romance pretty much serve as an anesthesia - everythingis perfect, he's perfect, we love each other so! Even if the red flags are there, you're too busy looking at him Thur rose-colored eye glasses. The chemicals of falling in love minimize the red flags. When the problems start to crop up and can no longer be denied, there's two options; to break up, or heal it. If you choose to break up, the same scenario will happen with the next partner. It is not until you choose to heal the past, with or without a partner, that you'll begin to have a happy life.
Those are the words I've repeated to clients back in the day when I facilitated support groups.
On Oprah today and on her website:
"[Imago] (a therapy technique) helps couples understand how the problems they have in a relationship in the present are connected to issues that are left over from childhood," he says. "Most of the stuff that's going on in a relationship has its roots in the past—we say about 90 percent in the past, and it's triggered by about 10 percent of the behaviors in the present."
"Subconsciously, that person is also attracted to their partner's negative traits that are connected to the unfulfilled needs of childhood".
"When you start acting out in adulthood with hurtful behavior, you're actually acting out of that pain. If you release the pain, then you remove the power [that pain holds]."
"It's not a coincidence you're attracted to your partner. "You lost [happiness during childhood] and you'll never feel fully alive again until you get it back. We think that committed partnership or marriage is the context within which those issues can be restored."
Contrary to our culture's model, Dr. Hendrix says intimate relationships are not really about romance. "It's an amazing thing that you're drawn together, in the romantic phase, to somebody who's similar to the worst traits of all the negative traits combined of all your caretakers," he says. "A romantic phase is an anesthesia. It's like nature is keeping you from knowing what it's about to set you up to do, which is to heal each other's childhood wounds."
Dr. Oz says Dr. Hendrix's theory has medical backing. When you are first in love, he says your body releases natural chemicals like dopamine, which is related to addiction, and oxytocin. "That makes you feel love and warm and cuddly," Dr. Oz says.
Yup. That's just what I said. Only I said it about 15 years ago.