It's the heat that's making me so sick.
Been nauseous going on a week now.
A week ago, last Friday, I spent on the bathroom floor,
too weak to get up,
after throwing up a whole teaspoon of stomach acid.
Barf, uncharacteristically, was winding himself around my legs,
jumping up on bathroom sink, to meow plaintively in my face.
Pulled the towels out of the cabinet
and made a pillow. Fell asleep on the floor,
Barf sleeping next to my head.
Wasn't till a couple days later I got the irony ...
Me feeling barfy, Barf taking care of me,
acting more like a service dog - worried about me.
Was finally feeling somewhat human the last 3ish days.
Weak as a kitten but human.
Tonite, it's 88 degrees outside.
Started a crockpot of chili about an hour ago.
Washing a sink of dishes - hot water.
And the nasousa is back full force, with a vengenence.
Sick, dizzy, like vertigo, I think it is.
SonOne asked for some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
I put the 2 big fans blowing in the kitchen.
Mixed the shortening, eggs, sugar.
Had to stop.
Sat on a stool in the middle of the kitchen,
both fans blowing on me.
Gagging. Can't stop gagging, choking on my own saliva,
the numbness that lives constantly in my feet and hands
has moved up to my throat.
Have lived in dread of the numbness
moving up to my breathing parts.
Am terrified to turn on the fucking oven for the cookies.
Don't want SonOne to see me like this
but I absolutely cannot get up off the stool.
If I do manage, the nausea hits again, the dizzy.
On top of all this?
Can't keep the pain pills down.
I'm scared and alone,
knowing he will be home
unless he and his friends,
drink too much, then he will stay in town.
Can't believe I'm hoping he drinks too much
so they'll spend the nite with the friends.
His girlfriend hasn't seen me in full-blown flare,
and I'm so embarrassed for her to see.
I want to be the strong mother
that I used to be.
I'm torn between needing help,
but not wanting him to see me like this,
but wanting to make the cookies for him -
a mom wanting to do something motherly
for him - cause I miss him so much,
and we've had such a hard time lately.
Crawl to the computer to write this,
feeling my hands turn to stone.
If there's a God ... God help me I can't live like this.