I beg to differ. AGAIN, BEN

Last nite he said he was worried about me cause I haven't posted since the aptop post.  Ahem.  Check again, buddy.  So instead of being worried about me, he should know that I now realize that he doesn't read everyday like he always said he did.  Uh huh.  See how you are. 

But yes, I haven't been posting cause it hurts.  That's just how it is. 

Tonite, I had to tell SFM that I can't meet him in Reno with his kids in the next couple of days.  I think that, more than anything, tells you how bad it's been. 

I slept from 2am to 11am this morning.  Someone called and needed a ride into town, so I took her.  Was gone for a couple of hours.  Fell asleep in my chair when I got back from about 2pm to 5:30ish, when SFM called to find out if I was coming down or not.  And then I went back to sleep.  I don't know if I am needing the sleep or using it as an escape.  I do know the nite before last, at 2am, I was tossing and turning in bed, not wanting to go to sleep for fear of having to wake up again with the pain all over again.  MS pain is always better in the morning, it's like starting over with a clean slate and as long as I keep up with the meds, MS and I have made our peace.  But the arthritis pain is worse, because ... sleeping makes arthritis worse?  Hell, I don't know.  All I know is that I feel like I've been trampled by a cattle stampede.

Speaking of which, I've been watching the CMT channel, with alot of cowboy movies lately.  "Unforgiven" for one.  So I've been dreaming that I'm the lady of the ranch, and somebody is trying to kill someone, and then I have to take care of the fever-stricken pigs by myself, and then somebody burns down the barn, and the neighbors, who all live in town 20 miles away by horseback come and try to put it out with buckets of water, but of course it's too late.  As everyone knows, a lone woman with fever-stricken pigs and a burned down barn is considered down-and-out, and she has to go be a whore in the local saloon.  That or a hero of some sort is supposed to come save her - the cowboy in the white hat.  I guess it says alot about me that so far, in my dreams, I've yet to be saved by the hero, and there's more fun in the whore business.  Wonder what it all means.  Maybe I should stop watching movies with cattle stampedes?  Maybe I should pay more attention to the chickens that run around loose, peacefully pecking the ground.  Then maybe I'd jump out of bed like a spring chicken, all spry-like.

Tomorrow's goal: get to a doctor.  It finally occurred to me that I don't have to see the "specialist" in town.  I haven't had good luck with "specialists" in this town.  Altho, "they" reccommend seeing specialists when one has MS, because it's a complicated thing figuring out what symptoms belong to which problem, but it's not like there's a choice where I live.  My neurologist quit, and is leaving town.  Another tomorrow's goal:  Get my records from him. 

THe Blogher conference is a month away.  Must. Get. Better.

SFM's daughter called to ask me to Reno, so it was extra hard to say I couldn't go.  After telling him I couldn't, I felt a horrible sense of defeat.  It's winning. 

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PS.

If you keep doing something the same way, it's pretty crazy to think you'll get different results.  Just a special shout-out to someone. 

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Comments

[TC]

Today is tomorrow. Did you get to a Dr.? Do you need help getting to a Dr.?

[mdmhvonpa]

:( ...

Please feel better ... please. Did you get any relief for the pain?