Today's the 12th of May. Do you realize what that means? Well, besides the fact that I missed "Hurray for the 8th of May, National Outdoor Intercourse Day", it also means that I "missed" Jacob's birthday.
Jacob ... Born May 6th, 1983. Which would make him, had he lived ... egads. 25 years old. Why do I have to figure that out each year?
I didn't actually forget his birthday. I thought about it for several days before the 6th, because there was a sign in the lobby saying so & so was doing haircuts on May 6th. So every time I walked by that sign, I thought about Jacob. But the actual day ... someone took the sign down, as it was no longer needed, so ... I forgot.
I have been overly bitchy lately ... but I've been blaming the weather. And Mother's Day. Don't really like Mother's Day much the last 2-3 years. Mother's Day, Jacob's birthday, and Idaho's May weather contributes to me being bitchy and alone in order not to inflict myself on happier people who drive me nuts with their chirpy-ness.
Both my sons have been on my mind alot these last few days. A couple of times, in the last 3 years, when having difficult discussions with SonOne, I had asked him if he'd ever read the Jacob Poems ... having forgotten his answer the previous time/s I've asked him. I had interrupted and/or side-tracked whatever it was that we were arguing about to ask, because I wondered how he could be acting like I was the stupidest, dumbest person alive - as if were someone who didn't know a thing about life, and how could he be treating me like that if he had read the poems and knew what I had gone thru all by myself at one time. I thought going thru that life experience, SonOne should respect me for it, knowing I wasn't talking out my butt - I knew a thing or two about losses, etc. I eventually realized it was a moot point ... I think SonOne should be more respectful simply because I gave birth to him, and am his mother, and I wasn't a bad mother - which was the message he was giving me.
Motherhood has been a land-mine for me the last 3 years. SonOne did something wrong - a rather large something wrong, and since then, he's not been the kid I knew all the years previous. He used to call me most Sundays, and actually talk without prodding, or me doing most of the talking. He was considerate, asking me if I needed anything, etc. He'd laugh. He was easy to talk to. But since the bad thing that he did, and keeping a rather significant secret ... he's been ... mean and thoughtless at times. It's been okay on the surface for the last several months because I've chosen not to address the damage as I need to before I'm okay about it again. For me not to talk a problem out is like asking me not to breathe. He knows that, but he can't get past his own ... guilt? and anger at me for calling him on his shit, and expecting an apology (sincere being the key word there), and/or a promise that it won't happen again (the lying to me). That trust needs to be rebuilt and the way to do that was not to continue with hiding the very secret (for 2 more years) that caused the original damage in the first place. He didn't "man up" certain decisions he made - and had he ... I would so much have respected his decisions much more than having to live with the damage I do now - damage that affects most every conversation we have now, no matter how benign, or how I feel about his girlfriend, whom I can't help but blame more than I should. On the outside, it looks like he was a good, happy person before he met her, but since then, he's lied, and hid things, and been mean and thoughtless. I wonder who the real SonOne is at this point, and can I believe anything at all. He doesn't realize that I would MUCH rather had been angry for 5 minutes or 5 days ... but instead it's been distrust and distance and avoidance going on for 3 years now. The fact that his girlfriend lied to me also doesn't help the situation at all - I find myself refusing to know her because it feels like it was all such a sham in the first place and the way he brought her into his life doesn't reflect all that is good and happy and truthful and sincere where relationships are concerned.
He doesn't understand that I don't judge him for the decisions he made ... they are his decisions to live with. He does seem happy. Even tho it seems on the outside, to outsiders, that what he has now is not any different that what he had before. I keep my emotional distance in order not to be hurt again - not to be lied to again. Since he doesn't talk to me like he used to, I'm an outsider, so I don't understand his happiness, since it looks so much like he used to have before. Mostly because I can't trust that he tells the truth when I ask how he is. After the bad thing he did ... I would imagine he's got to save face by being happy even if he's not. But like I said ... he SEEMS happy, and I really, really hope that he is. I believed he was before, and I was wrong, because he was always "fine" when I asked. A land-mine, I'm just say'n. He wants to be treated like an adult, yet his excuse was "all kids lie to their parents". Yup, they do. Keyword being "kid", twenty-seven year old son of mine.
If he understood to what level the distrust affects me ... I wonder if it would bother him, or if he'd want to fix it between us. But at this point - all that I got when I attempted to talk to him is anger, so I've left it go for the time being.
It's painful to not know the boundaries - is asking "How are you?" too nosy? Do I have a right to expect the truth? Is "I'm fine" acceptable, when I know that's what he told me before ... only it turned out he wasn't really fine? Is a surface "I'm fine, how's the weather out there" normal between parents and grown-up children? Will he tell me when something is wrong and he needs help/to talk about it/advice/support/unconditional love, like he used up up until 3 years ago?
Besides that ... he hit below the belt by telling me that I was a no better parent to him than the father that ignored him for 23 of the first 25 years of his life. Ironically, the whole episode has brought his father back into his life, and for that ... I am grateful. Now my son knows he's got 2 parents for the first time in his life, and that is worth all my current angst about being a mother these days. I'll especially be glad about it on Father's Day, but this Mother's Day? Selfish, I know, but it sucks.
It didn't used to matter, because I knew he loved me - this Mother's Day thing. We're not the sending presents or flowers type of mother/son relationship. But the last 3 years? I don't like wondering whether he'll even bother to call. Painful. I spent most of the day gearing up my Strong Mom Shield - in case he didn't call. I even let him off the imaginary hook - leaving the phone outside while I worked in the garden all day. I don't like the hurt part inside of me that thinks flowers would be appropriate ... considering the damage that needs to be healed.
But I do think that because I am what I am. Today, Mother's Day ... a mother who hurts because it feels like she's lost 2 kids now.
Edited to add - he did call.