Remember the Duke?
Today's race is at Charlotte's Lowe's Motor Speedway. Jeff has struggled all day, running 13th for the moment.
I found this pic from a couple years ago - Duke's in Spokane with SonOne. I'm going to go babysit him, leaving Tuesday or Wednesday and spend 5-7 days there. I'm going to try to get a referral to a arthritis specialist in Spokane, as the only one here has a 6 month waiting list. I've been really depressed this last week cause of the pain, thinking there were new symptoms come to stay, but I think it's more about the "severe" arthritis". It's been seen in an MRI, in my hips, and the neurologist used the word "severe", but I've not been officially diagnosed.
I was to babysit my great nephew (2 years old) yesterday, while my sister and niece got perms at the hair shop. It took a good 10 minutes to gather the courage to get out of bed into the shower that morning, because it hurt so much. In the shower, it let up a little bit, with the hot water and steam, but that made the MS wake up, and then by the time I left the bedroom, out of the heat, the arthritis set right back in. What made me finally realize that it's not MS pain, but probably arthritis is the fact that the pain in my hips was also in my shoulders and knees. Somewhere in my brain a niggling thought arose ... "this is arthritis and it's spreading, cause the shoulders and knees weren't involved last year. If my remember right .. it was in my hands tho... but my hands are fine cept for the normal MS pain. So hell. I don't know what it is.
Anyways, I can't take much more of this. I let Ben down by not being able to visit him this trip, and I had to go along with my sister and watch the baby in the hair shop, cause I didn't dare be alone with him. They got their perms, and I walked about with the baby out in the parking lot, where there was a water fountain, and I let him jump in the puddles. My mind over matter self told myself that I could move if he was actually in danger, but I really don't know if I can fool myself like that again. Luckily, the parking lot was empty and there wasn't any reason I would have to save his life, unless a meteorite fell from the sky on him, or he choked on a pebble ... or a stupid teenager came peeling into the parking lot, showing off his wheely skills to his passengers ... or the back-hoe tractor suddenly started all by itself and stalked us... or he fell in the fountain. There was that. Hmm. Oops.
Point is, I let Ben down by deciding not to visit him this trip, and I almost had to tell my sister that I couldn't watch the baby. I HATE my life being dictated by weather temperature, and how many covers on top of me, or the weather being 80 by day, and 40 by nite. I'm going to Spokane because it's my son, (and Duke!), and I don't have to put on any manners when the pain is bad. Pretending I'm okay takes sooo much energy, and SonOne will be gone most of the days, so me and Duke can handle the pain together, and I can be a bitch all I want if need be. The older I get, the less patience I have for this crap. I love Ben, and I love to visit San Diego, but he and I have a love-hate relationship when it comes to understanding the subtleties that come with me being me. (Wasn't that a nice way of putting it? Ben?) Plus, it's just too hot in San Diego. Besides that, I'm still mad at him for something he doesn't even know I'm mad at him for. Mad at Jacob's doctors indeed.